Xx Millie xX

Life Is For Living, Rite?
2004-02-18 00:23:08 (UTC)

Don't Tell Me What To Do

'Stupid guys, you should all know you wouldn't last with
Millie, "Looks like you wanna sort your life out", yeah
right Doubledick. One Day. That says it all really, doesn't
it Millie. Post something about Slug, Millie, please.'

This is a message I recieved over my diary the other day,
from a friend who shall remain anonymous. Now, as I am in a
particularly bitter, twisted mood, mostly because my
boyfriend has left me on my own on the net and has no
credit to text me when I have a full tenner on my phone
just begging to be used, I shall indeed, for once, comply
with this request. But never presume to tell me what to do,
or you may one day find yourself the only guy in heaven in
a wheelchair. Anyway.

Slug, Slug, Slug. What can we say about him that does not
sound bitter, hurt or bitchy? Well, nothing really. But,
have you ever known me to hold back my feelings via the
net? I didnt think so.

Slug is, as his name might suggest, slimy, sleazy, and
seems to have a hatred for girls who live in my town. Can't
see why, we aren't all prostitutes or junkies. But, saying
this, Slug used to wear clothes that made him seem like
he'd fit in well on the Cinderford scene. With that coat
and shades I have to say that even when I didn't properly
know him he looked suspiciously like a pimp.
Do I sound bitter yet? Good. This is because I had the
stupidity of developing feelings for somebody who didn't
know what the word meant. I often wonder if he even knows
how to spell it. Or the word heart, or soul, or conscience,
or morals, or even fuckwit. And then, after being told this
person may possibly have feelings for me, which he admitted
to, TWICE, I thought that maybe this was going to be
different. Please stop snorting into your cola, I haven't
finished the story yet.
So I find out maybe he has feelings, but then he says he
doesn't want a relationship. This is still at the point
when I am happy simply to admire him (puke) from afar. But
then along comes Phil and Dan, who both, in their own
little ways, convince me that he has changed his mind, and
does want to go out with me after all. So after a weeks
worth of pestering from Phil, Glenn, Dan, Gez and even
Daniel, I pull up the courage to try again, asking him face
to face.
So here I am, still hurt because of a past I thought I was
keeping at bay, never quite certain in relationships and
definatly not an expert, self-confidence hit rock bottom,
self esteem digging deeper, taking the plunge and asking
him out, face to face. Me. ME!
And he says, 'I do not know. I will tell you on Monday.'
(Written without elipses for sarcastic effect)
I, being the heartless cow you should all by now know I am,
then turn to Matt for comforting, who texts me for most of
the night in that nice, friendly, chatty, make-it-perfectly-
obvious-he-fancies-you way he has, keeping myself sane and
alive. When I did this I completely forgot about Matt's
feelings for me, so involved and upset was I about what I
was sure was impending doom.
The next day, after Slug has told everyone we are going out
and confused me thoroughly, he ignores me, takes the piss
and generally behaves as normal, with more piss-taking
comments aimed at me then usual. Then, on a friday, so he
knows he won't see me, he texts me and says exactly the
same thing he said when first he let me down. And it wasn't
exactly a gentle letting down either.
And so Gez and Daniel sit with me for a terrible,
traumatising weekend in which I have majorly adverse
affects to food, drink and life in general. And Phil helps,
in his strange, comforting way, and once again I completely
forget about how Matt feels and turn to him for comfort.
And the following week I am subjected to the cold shoulder,
numerous piss-taking comments about my very bad reaction,
my lack of joy at existing and my newly revived wish to die.
But now I have Matt, so I do not care.

But you wonder why I'm bitter. honestly.

Xx Millie xX

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