Too Much to Say
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2004-02-16 19:35:29 (UTC)

Crazy Times

"It seems it's always the crazy times you find you wake up
and realize, it takes more than your saline eyes to make
things right."
~Jars of Clay

when i was in high school i would go to church camp
every summer, we'd all have a big cry fest, and by the end
of the week make a committment to change our lives...well,
at least for the next month or so. and i wasn't even one
of the "bad" ones. back in the day i was incredibly
innocent and God-fearing, but i was balling with the lot of
them at camp, overwhelmed with a feeling, a desire to live
right. but a committment made on a "feeling" is a
committment that will very soon be broken once the feeling
this time there's no tears, no powerful revelation.
just me knowing the right answer. and i've known it all
along. but it means that for once i have to give up
something, a lot of things. things i don't want to give
up. OH! this is so hard! i like the partying, i LOVE the
boys, i love the closeness i've found with all my best
friends! it's fun to be bad, but even more fun to talk
about being bad with your girlfriends. and as much as i
love them right now, i've forgotten the one friend who
loves me the most. the friend who died for me. i've
disgarded him to fulfill myself, to fulfill MY pleasures.
i can't even explain how hard it is going to be for me to
give up the life i'm currently living! even now, as i type
this diary entree i'm wanting to delete everything, take it
all back!!! flash backs of wild steamy nights break my
thought process and i want them again! i still want it!
what the hell is that? is it satan tempting me, trying to
keep me in this downward spiral? is it my own dirty nature
trying to reason my way out. i just don't feel that bad
about doing those things!!! what is wrong with me? during
the day i resolve to change my life, and now as the sun is
almost down i feel the passions rising and the crazy girl
waking. it's seriously the difference between night and
day. is it because jesus is the light and satan is the
prince of darkness? in so many ways i feel like i need to
get it all out of my system. but it's one of those things
that has no future. it's all fun and games until it's
over. the partying, the men, what will they leave me
with? a kid. an addiction. a broken heart. a hardened
heart? i think that's what i'm most afraid of. i was
already a guarded person, but all of this impersonnal
messing around just closes me off even more. wow, there's
so much to explain about what i'm feeling right now, and
not nearly enough room. i have to end it here or i'll just
get more and more confusing. one second i'm turning over a
new leaf, the next i'm running as fast i can back the other
direction. who knows where i'll end up? god, of all
things, grant me wisdom.