Me and More
2004-02-16 13:54:12 (UTC)

Not sure what to say or feel.....

Dear Diary,

So many thoughts are going through my head right now. I've
been thinking about dad a lot. I've been thinking about
Brandon, constantly. I just wish my dream could come true.
I'm doing nothing but day dreaming. Things never work out
the way I want them too. I have so much love for him, and
yet at the same time I have so much pain because we aren't
together. I just wish he would give me the same look that
he got when he talked about his ex. Maybe I'm just fooling
myself. I don't think I'm good enough for a boyfriend.
Especially him. Maybe I'm not pretty enough. Maybe I'm just
good at being me, and scaring him away. I don't know
anymore. The longer I wait the harder it gets. Sometimes, I
feel like it's never going to happen. That it's all just a
big tease. Like he gets enjoyment outta watching me. I
don't fucking know.

On the dad front, I've been thinking about that day, the
day he died a lot. I keep seeing everything plan and clear.
I'm trying so hard not to allow it to get me down but it's
hard. I really miss my dad. I still think that his death
was my fault. I think a lot of things were/are my fault.
I'm so tired of being depressed and suicidal. I want my
life back. I'm tired of taking my meds. It pisses me off
that I can't be happy without my medication. I don't feel
like me. I feel really weak. Like a big pussy. Sometimes,
well a lot more often I've been thinking that I should just
take the easy way out or just get drunk until I'm unaware
of the feelings inside me. I keep thinking that dad is
going to come home, or roll into the kitchen. And small
things are setting me off. Like a box of cookies. I don't
know what to do. I don't want to talk to anyone, cuz I feel
like I'll be locked away or they are tired of my problems.
But I have a lot of shit going trough me.

I find that I'm getting more and more upset that Brandon
and I haven't started dating yet, and I'm dreaming about
killing his ex. I know that bitch is going to try and get
him back into her life. Sluts always do. And she gave up
something great. I just wish I had my chance to taste the
greatness. Parts of me is tired of waiting, but I have so
much love for him that I'd wait until the earth ended to
get my chance. Sometimes I think I'm not going to make it.
I want to make love to him so badly. I love getting hugs
from him. I want to feel his lips on mine. He has the
cutest lips. I want to lay in his arms, falling asleep to
the sound of him breathing. I miss him horribly when he
leaves, I get jealous when he checks out other chicks. I'm

Another thing that is on my mind, is the money troubles we
are having. We can't even buy food. When we get a little
bit of money, we feed the animals first and we go without.
We are waiting on the VA to give us the money that they owe
us, it's a lot. But they still haven't gotten off their
asses and done it. So we sit here, worrying about bills,
food, or house. Shit has gotten real bad. Something else I
feel is my fault. If I was able to work we wouldn't be in
this situation, or not as bad. I just wish I could make
everything go away or make it easier. Why does there have
to be so much pain? Why can't things go my way for a while?

I'm worried about an ex-friend of mine. Michelle, I hope
she is going to make it. I wish she would contact me. I
still care about her, and I hate to see that she is going
through hard times by herself. I wish there was more I
could do.

I guess that is all I have to say for now. Not much else to
say. I'll write more in here later.