Ryan

fasthands135
2004-02-16 06:58:17 (UTC)

whats been up

Im trying to think what to write at this very
moment..........I havent written an entry in a while but i
really wanted to tonight. the last hour ive been trying to
get a hold of some people I havent spoken to in a while. I
heard my dad talking to my grandma on the phone after I
had spoken with her. I heard her say to him "it sounds
like he is doing well now." The other day i spent 1,200
dollars on a guitar because i thought it looked pretty I
got home and realized what the fuck am i doing and I
returned it the next day. Last week I was in my abnormal
psychology class and in the middle of it I ran out crying
to my car. I cried all the way home. now I have class
tomorrow (monday). Im having a hard time going and an even
harder time staying in class. I havent gotten a decent
grade on anything since the eigth grade. except for
writing a paper last year on bipolar disorder. it wasnt
that hard to do of course. Pople keep telling me storys
from the past. I never remember them. it really sucks not
having as good as a memory as i had about two years ago or
at least before the treatments. I have one good friend
right now, his name in max. im very glad to have him as a
friend. On valentines day I bought one of those pop up
cards and brought it to the girl and hungry howies cause I
thought she way cool. then she rejected me and said the
delivery boy was her boyfriend. my psychiatrist keeps
changing my meds over and over again in a short amount of
time. Im having a hard time controling my moods because i
keep thinking totally different things every day. I wanted
to say thank you to danny for giving me some incouraging
words in a letter he sent me. Even know I dont agreee with
a lot of it I really appriciated what he wrote. Today on
the internet I typed in. How to overdose without feeling
any pain. I was just wondering. If I could stop wondering
about one thing right now it would be to stop thinking of
death everyday. wondering what happends after you leave or
me I mean. if it would hurt or not. how much it would hurt
people around me. again im not saying im doing anything.
im just "thinking" as usual. thinking of everything. My
psychiatrist the other day let me read what my last doctor
in the hospital i was at wrote about me. the docotor that
gave me the 24 ect treatments. he wrote a lot for sure. so
so many things that i dont even remember. I read one part
about how I tried to hurt myself by crashing my car. I
dont remember this at all. Ive made so many stupid money
buying mistakes. leasing that 99 cougar in high school was
just ridiculous. I love buying things I dont need it feels
good at first but then it hurts really bad afterwards.
Just like everyone else I want to be loved. As lame as it
may sound I want someone to hold me and make me smile
because they say to me that everything will be ok. yes i
know many people dont have relationships. Its hard to have
a relationship when you all you can think about is
well...everything and not just concentrate on one thing. I
keep thinking constantly that I should stop taking my meds
and just take whatever drug I can get my hands on and just
take them and until theres no life left in me anymore. I
just want to float away. i know im not making sense. Also
Im sick of people stopping by my house once in a while. I
fucking hate that. If you want to see me ask me to hang
out. well im done for now im going to lay down and stare
at the ceilling and think about what comes next.




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