forever 17

silent wishes
Ad 2:
2004-02-16 06:42:25 (UTC)

i should learn not to sleep...

when i sleep all day long (i got up and 12, went to work
with momma, and slept from 3 til 7) i have way too much
time to think once night comes around. and when i think i
become sad, and that never brings on anything good, atleast
not for awhile.
i think i remember now why i never let myself dwell on
things for very long. memories are nice, as long as they're
short and to the point. i dont know why, i love the rain by
it always makes me so sad. because so many of the bad
things that i can remember have taken place in the rain,
but i guess it kinda fits. i dont supose it would have as
much impact if the sun was shinning and it was bright and
nice outside. but yea, theres that.
i know all this sounds either like whinning or just
depressing griping, but i cant help it. i just really dont
get it. i havent been this happy in such a long time, in
fact i havent ever been this happy. but then why am i so
sad right now? it doesnt make sense. ok now thats jsut
annoying as hell. theres a commercial on the radio that
says "stop feeling so bad and think of a happy thought.
like 'hey, i'll soon be dead'. that may not sound like a
happy thought at the moment but it puts things in
perspective. that way when somebody's bothering you about
your shoes or your taste in china patterns you can say 'you
know you'll soon be dead?' or when you're thinking of how
bad you look say into the mirror 'soon i'll be completely
dead and it wont matter anymore." ...i wont even bother
making comments. that just really pissed me off...
i'm gonna go rent 'lady and the tramp' next weekend i
think. i havent seen that movie since i was 3. i remember
taking it to my grandma's on day that i had been sick.
confound earaches...and fell asleep watching it then left
it at her house and never got to finish watching it. and 12
years later i intend to finish what i started.
valentine's day was really good this year. well, atleast
for me, but only the last 1/2. i got to spend it with zack,
which made it perfect. but today pretty much sucked.
everybody's mad again...i dont understand why they stay
together if they're so freakin' miserable!! if you dont
like where you are, fix it. i did. i paid hell for it too
but damn if i didnt enjoy it while i was at it! i realized
something rather disconcerting a few weeks ago. i may have
said it before, but i was counting up the months from the
day my parents got married and the day i was born. 4 months
and 5 days...now thats a slap in the face if there ever was
one. as bad as it is, i honestly think they got married
because they were being stupid and were fooling around and
my mom ended up getting pregnant. now my grandfather died
about 2 weeks before i turned 3, but i still remember what
he was like and i'm fairly sure he would've shot my father
had he gotten my mom pregnant and then run off. it'd
explain why they fight all the time. y'know whats sad, on
thanksgiving and christmas my mom cooked, and we didnt even
sit down to eat. in fact, i cant really remember the last
time everybody was on speaking terms long enough to
eat...spring break. spring break was the last time we sat
down and ate and talked civily and even partially enjoyed
it. in 1 month and 2 weeks it'll have been a year...and
he's already told me we're not going anywhere this year,
because he cant stand to be around my mom and my nephew.
hell i dont think he even likes me. i had to freakin' ask
for money so i could eat. and even then he acted as tho he
was being castrated with a blow torch. now i dont eat alot
but 10 dollars is not enough for 3 days, 2 of which i stay
after school til after 5. i suppose i'm just ungrateful,
annoying, self-ish and stupid like they say. figures...
i'm about sick and tired of having to tip-toe around
everybody so as not to say anything that'll piss them off.
i so wish i could leave. but i dont have anywhere to go.
not really. i mean, i could find a place to stay for a
night or two, but by then i'd probably have pissed them off
too.
we were in save-rite one day and momma was talking to the
cashier lady and they got on the subject of kids and momma
said how she wished i hadn't been born and how she prays
that i'll never have any kids because she doesnt want to
deal with them. this was a couple of weeks after she told
me i was a bitch and selfish and had no common sense. i
know i should've gotten over this already, and i'm sorry
i'm complaining so much, but i cant help it. it really
really hurts to think that she'd say that, even if it was
only because she was mad at me. its one thinf to be pissed
off, its quite another to tell your child you wish they
werent born. i cant wait til summer...i'll finally be able
to drive and i can go and just sit and cry or whatever and
not be a bother to anybody. sucks that i eventually have to
come home, but i suppose partial exile is better than none.
ha. that's what my room has become. an exile. that sounds
sort of sad, but really its not all that bad i guess. i
think i'll probably spend tomorrow cleaning since i have
nothing else to do. it wouldnt hurt it to be cleaned and
vaccumed and such.
i havent decided yet but i think i'm gonna quit taking
violin lessons...that old man is driving me crazy and my
dad thinks he's the almighty and knows everything about
playing it. so help me if either of them touch me again i'm
going to scream and cut off my own freakin' hand so it'll
scare them off. yea thats kinda gross, but so be it. and
yea branton i guess that too is called "cutting off your
nose to spite your face" and you know what? i do not care.
and my dad has taken it upon himself to see to it that
tuesday nights are as miserable as possible. man i'm
dreading it sooo bad...i hate being alone with him, cause
he always tries to insult me and talks about my mom behind
her back and makes fun of her and cusses her and calls her
names...then expects me agree with him. i hate it! damn
him...how dare he make me cry...there now, stop that.
you'll ruin your contacts you stupid girl.
i found a song tonight that i really like, i actually
think thats what got me started feeling this way to begin
with. but in any event, its still a really good song. its
called 'Stars' or 'Counting Stars', i dont kno which and
apparently neither did they. but its by a band called
Hum...:

She thinks she missed the train to Mars, she's out back
counting stars.
She thinks she missed the train to Mars, she's out back
counting stars.

She's not at work, she's not at school,
she's not in bed, I think I finally broke her.
I bring her home everything I want, and nothing that she
needs.

I thought she'd be there holding daisies, she always waits
for me.
She thinks she missed the train to Mars, she's out back
counting stars.

I found her out back sitting naked looking up and looking
dead.
A crumpled yellow piece of paper, with seven nines and tens.

I thought she'd be there holding daisies, she always waits
for me.
She thinks she missed the train to Mars, she's out back
counting stars.

I thought you'd be there holding daisies, you always wait
for me.
She thinks she missed the train to Mars, she's out back
counting stars.

i dont know why but that just seems so sad to me...
last night i was talking to zack and telling him about
all the crap my brother's been through, having 2 kids by
his ex-wife and 1 by his ex-fiance and both screwed his
credit so bad that it'll be years before he's able to buy a
house and he barely got a job. then i remembered what i
discovered about my mom and dad, getting married, i think,
out of necessity rather than want and desire and i realized
that if i'm not careful i'll end up just like they did.
unhappy, desolate and barely hanging on for lack of desire
to move on and be happy. i so hope i never end up like
this. but there again, i dont know what to do to prevent
it. but i am sticking to my plan, i'm leaving for new york
right after i graduate. depending on who's still around by
then, i may pack up that night and go. its really rather
pathetic that i'm 15 and making plans like that. but then
again, maybe i should've started earlier. maybe momma's
right. maybe i should'nt have been born, that way i wouldnt
cause all the trouble that i do. heh, seems like i'm always
in somebody's way...::sighs:: i suppose i shouldn't be so
ungrateful or whatever you call this, i mean, i know
there's pleanty of people out there that are worse off than
i am, but i still cant help but feel like i dont belong, or
deserve to be or whatever, here.
i'm so sorry that i've bothered you with all of this. i
know the last thing you want to do is sit here and read
about how horrible i think everything is. but i had to put
it somewhere. but i promise i'll be better or whatever by
tuesday. maybe i shouldnt fight anymore and just let it go,
but then that might cause more problems if i did. but
atleast it'd git rid of part of them. kind of a bitter-
sweet reward or horrible victory. yea, i listen way too
much in history class...but anyway. i'll shut up for now. i
should'nt dwell on this stuff, and i told you i'd be better
by tuesday, so i might oughta start now i guess.

forever 17


Ad:2