polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-02-15 19:43:32 (UTC)

Happy Industrialized, Hallmark, Bitter Lover's Day!

My friend Max tried to kill himself (or so he said, he
stuck his head in a sink...maybe not enough to kill
himself, maybe he didn't really want to, but it's scary
still that he came close to it). One of my best
friends. I've known this guy since I was five years old.
Maybe even more. And he tried to end his life. I don't know
why it came as such a shock to me, he's always been very
dark, and lately he's acted as though nothing has a
purpose. But I know he thinks otherwise, or at least I
thought he did. I just can't believe it, why would he? I'm
in shock that he would do such a thing. But why is it so
surprising? Maxi has had a pretty rough life, one that he's
spent, for the most part, with his mom. His mom, whom I've
also known for many many years, is such a sweet woman. But
Max explains her in ways that show no sweet shadows. She's
a painter, like Max and me, and that's all she wants to do.
She lounges around the house or her salon all day and
complains about the filth engulfing her house and her
family and how all she wants to do is paint. Also, his
little brother Benjamin is SATAN. I've heard him while I
was on the phone with Max. He screams a lot. Kind of like
my younger brother. Except worse. Max's school life is a
lot worse. He's always very stressed out about work and
tests, and he works very hard, but nothing seems to be on
his side. He's been studying all weekend, I haven't studied
at all. The test is tomorrow, so I guess I'll study some
today. That's usually how it goes, and I'll probably get a
C. But when that's how it goes, he usually gets a D or an
F. We just don't know why. He gets so freaked out about it,
and what's even more distracting than work, social status.
Poor Maxi gets made fun of every day, by people who even
claimed to be his friend. They all call him gay. There's
nothing wrong with it, in my eyes. But the fact of the
matter is, he's NOT gay. All the torture, all the ridicule,
all the horrible things the culture of cruelty could ever
spit at me doubled. It doubled, and spewed at Max. And he
tried to drown himself.

I don't think people understand how much it hurts. They
don't understand that if you call someone ANYTHING, bitch,
ho, fag, whatever, it hurts deeper than they'll ever
imagine. It could drive people to cut themselves, like I
did, or drive them to suicide, like my friend. That is so
horrible. You can kick a dog, kill it in one blow. Or, you
can poke it, keep on poking it, over and over. That will
hurt more than ever. A little bit of salt each day can
seriously hurt a wound. More than cutting off your entire
arm will.

I guess it just goes to show you the kind of things kids
like me go through.

I went to therapy last week. I've got another appointment
for the same time this week. It sucked! It was the worst
thing I've EVER done. I told the lady about my cutting, I
didn't even mean to. It was out of my mouth before I had
the chance to rethink it. Of course, she had to tell my
mom. So now my parents know about my cutting, all they do
now is kiss me and tell me they love me. They'll never
again leave me alone, they'll never believe me when I
say, "nothing" if they ask me what's wrong. Christ. They're
trying to make me feel like I never have to do it again.
Ugh! I could have just stopped on my own. I didn't have to
tell. Why did I? Maybe I really didn't think I could do it
on my own. Oh well, there's no turning back now. What's
done is done. Damn.

I spent Valentine's Day (or, as I like to call it,
Industrial, Hallmark, Bitter Lover's Day) working on a
project at Garrett's (Garrett, another victim of being
called gay all the time. He and Max ranted and on about
that while I did a chapter outline.). After I left from
there, I went to the boyfriend's joint. Yes, yes, yes


Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, for I HAD A
BOYFRIEND FOR VALENTINE'S DAY!! Oh my God, it made me so
happy. I can't believe I did it! It was the perfect cheerup
from last week's cotastrophes. After losing the
championship soccer game on sunday (by one point to a bunch
of snobs. Away drove the loneliest children the world would
ever host.) then explaining to my boyfriend my feelings, my
depression. He told me it was nothing, because everyone
goes through it. NO! NOT EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THAT! I was
uber pissed, but re analyzed the situation. I guess it was
his way of telling me to quit being a baby. I'm not special.

Anyway, I went to his house yesterday, and we watched a
movie. It wasn't the typical V-day movie, but it was funny.
I...ahem...enjoyed his company. :)

I'm bored with myself right now. I have a bunch of stuff
to do and not a lot of time to do it in. Cleaning,
yardwork, studying, and all that jazz.

Happy Post-Industrialized, Hallmark, Bitter Lover's Day!

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