Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-02-15 19:31:35 (UTC)

Realization

It's 133pm. I had an entry earlier I was working on. But I
accidentally killed it. It's sunny out. It got me thinking
actually. The past few days, have been accurate
representations of my feelings inside. The dark bitter
winter cold for the dark bitter feeling in me. The bleak
fall of snow upon the dead ground, the seasonal change in
my heart with the same fall of hopelessness drifting
towards what which was once my soul, but now an empty
husk. But today, was different. It shined warm rays all
over. I could feel the warm sun light saturating my skin.
It was one of the few times in my life I actually wished
for sunlight. It's still pretty bright out right now. Some
clouds, but not many. My room is flooded with light right
now, as is the rest of the house. It made me think about
the past few days. The constant reflection of the weather
outside with the weather in my heart. But it's shining out
now. I realized two things right then and there. That not
every day can bring the cold. And that today, will be a
reflection of how I feel inside. I feel a little of it. I
hope.

Today was a bit strange. To make a long story short, I met
this girl who seemed to have taken a liking towards me. It
was odd because I had just met her and all, but that's not
really important. What was important, is that during the
course of talking to her I began to realize that I was an
ass. That, despite all my empathic skills, I was still
quite blind. Blind to the person I should have been most
attuned to. You see... this girl I met was lonely. The
uncanny coincidence is that the minute I saw her and she
saw me, she started talking to me. It was like, she was
drawn to me. At first, I didn't really feel like talking
much or at all. I was just kind of moping so to speak, and
wanted to be left alone. But afterawhile, we were talking
I realized that she was just like me. I don't mean I was
feeling lonely. I mean she spilled her guts out to me. She
needed attention. She needed someone to talk to her. She
saw me and just knew I was the only one to talk to. She
didn't pick anyone else. It freaked me out for a bit. I
felt uncomfortable and frankly... a little scared. And
then it hit me.

I did the same thing to Mel. I was needy and tried to take
as much as I could from Mel. I pushed her away by trying
to get her closer to me. I freaked her out and scared her.
It doesn't even end there.

This girl, whom I had only met about ten minutes earlier
started telling me about her ex boyfriend. Described him
in quite minute details. He was possessive, obsessive, an
alcoholic, mean, and insecure. I saw myself in her words.
I was possessive, obsessive, mean, and insecure. And God,
I'm going to turn into an alcoholic if I don't stop
drinking this cider. I had to go because the epiphany was
overwhelming. The obviousness of it all, the clarity
threatened to consume me whole. She left though, before I
could go. I doubt I'll see her again. She was sent to give
me a message. I am not a man who believes in miracles or
luck. I believe in logic and numbers. Rational. I don't
look to signs or position of stars, I look to patterns and
strive for an absence of feelings. But this... This was
too much for me. The odds of this occurring for me, is
almost too staggering for me to comprehend. What are the
odds that she would give me the one thing that would make
me understand my situation? No. This is not coincidence.
Someone's trying to tell me something.

I felt my adrenaline levels rise for no reason. Human
instinct when you know something is wrong but can't see
the problem. Only the problem is deep in me, and I can't
escape the problem. I can't escape myself. So I worked out
a bit. I was doing twice the reps I usually do in sets.
And I didn't even know it. I need to burn off the alcohol
in my system anyway. Not that it was really strong to
begin with, but I'm not use to that stuff. So I get drunk
easily.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do with this knowledge. I
am only made aware of such things. But I have made a
decision... I will tell Mel everything.

I don't know what God wants for me today or tomorrow. In
fact, I didn't really believe in a God till now. But
someone out there has made me aware of my faults. My
problems. I think it's only right to apologize. I think
maybe, that's why I was made aware of these things.

I don't know what will happen after I do this. I'm not
sure if she will even read it or reply back. I hope she
does read it at least, and accepts my apologies.

I don't know what will happen after I do this. Will she
write back to me? Will she just say nothing back? I don't
know. I hope she does write back though. I just know that
I need to do this. I need to at least try to say I'm sorry.
I need to do this not because I want her to forgive me.
Not because it is even the right thing to do. But because
it is something that is beyond, any kind of complex social
system I've ever come up with, it's... something deeper.
Something beyond me. She's... my friend.

I haven't asked for God's guidance since I was young. But
I ask for it now. I know I don't deserve any. These past
few days, You've helped me more than I could ever realize.
More than I could realize in a thousand years of
introspective searching. More than I could ever realize in
the arms of another person. More than I could on my own,
left to my own devices. I know this is something I need to
do. I ask for your guidance, you of all know that of all
the people, I am the most blind and despite my claims, I
am the most lost of all. Please God. Help me write this.

I have half a mind to up and leave everything. Just
disappear. I don't know will happen after this.

One step at a time I suppose. I need to write a letter.
But right now I'm too tense from all the adrenaline in me.
I need to finish working out. Finish those abs and
forearms.

You know, it's shining even brighter out now. I only wish
it does tomorrow.




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