Hakerz338

Grass is Greener on the Other Side
2004-02-15 07:05:27 (UTC)

my day Saturday (LONG)

Yes, Saturday was v-day but it didn't matter. I didn't get
to see my GF and all that was on my mind today was her.
Every couple that i saw, ever girl i walked by, reminded me
of her and how none of these girls can even compare to her
radiance, how none of them are her. I missed her so much,
my dad left today and it felt crappy cuz he appologized and
he seemed sad parting. So with this in mind, and knowing
that i'm in charge of a household, all i wanted to do was
to look into those eyes for a second just to know that
everything would be alright. But, i couldn't. So i laid on
the floor looked at my stars and just wished, things would
be different, just thinking of her. She called me back,
after i called FREE's Cell and well we couldn't get into a
deep conversation and it was just great hearing her voice.
I wish i told her i loved her or happy V-day but i wasn't
thinkin. What really upset me was my friend Emery, kissing
his GF in front of me. Which i found rude. It made me miss
LSR even more. The rufio band, i recieved smells like her,
and everytime i move my left arm, i can smell her on me. I
wish she was. I mean that in a non-sexual way. I just want
her here. So FREE and i hung out today, and well his car
ripped a belt. So i drove him home, and he said lsr was up,
i wish she came out, atleast then i could have seen her.
That would have been quality, but no of coarse not. I hate
being so close, yet so far away. Today was actually one of
my depressing days. I just thought about us, about what she
sees in me. I mean i'm not cute, i'm not handsome, I'm not
built, i'm not tall, i'm none of these things. I can't
express myself threw art nor words. Yet for some reason,
she feels like i'm perfect. Truth be told, I'm not, I'm
just a regular guy that's in love with a great girl. I mean
i look at her, and she's just gorgeous, she can be with any
guy she wants, a guy that's closer to her, a guy she can
see more, any guy, a guy that her parents will like. If
that ever happened, i don't know. All that would really
matter would be that she was happy, I don't care about my
happiness, and that this guy's treating her right. It would
hurt, so much. I still have nightmares of her leaving me,
when i sleep. Yea what a dork. I know she's afraid of being
hurt. I am too, I'm putting my heart on the line, and i
really am scared. Not about breaking up, but about losing
her. I don't care if she's not my GF, but i want her as my
friend. I mean I've never let anyone come this close to me.
NEVER! All my defenses are down, i'm completely vulnerable.
I've never had anyone mean so much. I need to talk to her
atleast once a week to just function. I do freak out when
she doesn't call, but then i calm down. Ya know, i don't
think i deserve her. Why? Because she's everything i've
wanted, everything. When ever i see her, i'm amazed that,
she loves me. As i said i couldn't get her off my mind. As
i drove home tonight, underneath the stars, Rufio's One
Slowdance played, and it threw me back a few months ago.
Dancing under the cloudy sky, soaked and cold, in each
others arms. There's no other girl, that's ever made me
feel like a kid like she does. I will admit one thing i
hate. I hate when she's depressed. I hate it because, i
can't be there. I can't be there to hold her in my arms,
kiss her, and tell her that it'll be alright, that i'll
never leave her side. I can never fully prove to her that i
mean all these things that i say, only time will tell. But
she means the world to me, and i'm willin to give up
everything to spend seconds with her. That whatever happens
in my life, I WILL SEE her or talk to HER, I NEED HER. I'm
sick of all you guys givin me shit that i'm whipped, i'm
sick that you guys are like you are pathetic. I'm sorry, I
am. I care not. She makes me happy, she makes me feel like
a real guy. She makes me feel so many things. If it's so
bad to see your GF happy then shoot me. Like i've stated
the first time i saw her, i... never thought she'd be apart
of my life, never thought she'd be my GF. I worry for
her. I worry that she'll hurt herself, cuz she's done it
before. I worry that one night i'll kiss her goodnight,
tell her i love you, and that will be the last time i see
her. I've already noticed that i've given her a part of me,
and i only feel complete when she's around. No one said
this was goin to be easy, no said love was a easy road.
This is my first relationship, and it'll be my last. If we
breakup, i quit. I can't lose myself agian. All this, all
these feelings are all new. I can't reflect on previous
relationships to guide me in this. I can't do any of that,
i'm just doing what i feel is right. Last night, i slept a
full 8 hours. My wristband smells of her, so with one
inhale, I was out. I wanna fall a sleep with her. Wrap my
arms around her, feel her breath, feel her heart beat, and
just be in the moment. At times, i think about what brought
us together. Homecoming night, how she could have gone with
any other guy. How at any point, things could have just
gone the other way. Everytime i see her, directly after
kissing her goodbye, i miss her. There are days that, i
just wish she'd call me randomly, that she'd call me at
night. Nights like this when I'm up, thinking only about
having her here. I've never felt so scared before, nor so
loved, or free. She's the heart beat that keeps me alive,
she's the one that believes in everythin i do, she's my
everything. I LOVE YOU.


L8r Dayz
Signing off 2:05 AM.




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