Niki

~
2004-02-15 01:25:30 (UTC)

Subject: when "the gods" are..


Subject: when "the gods" are telling you something....
Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2004 00:20:45 1100


I was gonna post this entry in the diary..
but it says the server is down.

i guess its a sign that im supposed to tell you:

love from Niki


I cried for the first time in a long time tonight.
It’s a strange feeling... I don’t like it.


I felt like writing tonight, to you Sab... but not
directly.

I kept and old email u sent me once.. a long long time
ago.. I kept
it because it made me feel on top of the world. I printed
it out
and treasured it. I looked at it every time I needed
strength or
inspiration or needed to feel like I was loved.. It was
one of the
best things I had in the world. It meant so much.. It
said how you
felt about me, that you understood me, that I understood
you... it
was your heart on a piece of paper, and it gave me hope
when I
thought there was none.

I looked for it tonight, on the eve of valentines day,
because I
wanted to be closer to you, if even for a moment, if only
in my
dreams... I searched.. I looked..

I realised what has happened.

I kept that email in a special place, hidden away from
the world of
prying eyes.. and it wasn’t there.

Marco had a key to my house, before we broke up. He has
searched my
room, found it and taken that email from me. It sounds so
pathetic
that I cried because I lost a piece of paper.. but it
meant soooo
much to me sab. and he fucking stole it.

I cried

I don’t know why. I never cry. I don’t have those soppy
emotions in
me very often. Maybe it’s Karma. I got played. big time.

life is ironic though don’t you think? I felt like I had
to write
this all down, so I drove to my mum’s house. While I was
driving a
song came on the radio. I don’t know what it called, or
who its by
or any of the words, I just know the melody and how it
makes me
feel...I heard that song, I though of you. That song
makes me want
to fly.. like when I think about you, you’re my escape.

The song came on. I though of you. I stopped crying.

Sab, I know that an email means shit. but it was like I
could hold
a piece of your heart soul and mind in my hand. that was
taken from
me and it broke my heart tonight.

Sab, I don’t wanna be like Devon and Nessa and Heather
and whoever
else in your life over the net. I know they are all
giggly girls
with their dreams and hopes and distorted reality. I
don’t want to
tell you I love you. I don’t want you to know that. I'm
scared that
if you do you'll not be interested in talking to me
anymore.

I know what you have with melly. that’s real friendship.
nothing
can separate that. but the other girls are just a phase..
it gets
boring after a while. I just don’t know where I fit in.
am I more
like melly or Vanessa to you?

how come when u tell me u love me I don’t believe you?
why do I
feel doubt in my heart?

why am I so scared to tell you that I want to be with
you? why does
every song I hear make me think of you?

why is the cruel intentions soundtrack being played on
every radio
station every day for the last 2 weeks? why is the verve
playing in
Adelaide in 2 weeks? why do they keep
playing "bittersweet
symphany" on tv all the time?

is there some greater force in the world trying to give
me a big
fat hint? or am I just lost in my own little dream world?

I don’t know if you'll even read this. I guess if you
respond to
it.. I'll know that what I’m saying means something. To
you.