Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-02-14 06:45:15 (UTC)

Just pass me by, I'll be fine. Just give me time..

It's 405pm. Quite windy. Cold. Although, apparently not
cold enough to freeze.

I feel tired. We went to get the groceries, and we came
back home. I made some lunch and watched a bit of dr.
phil. It wasn't by choice. I just couldn't find the remote.
I began pondering, Melanie. I have a strange feeling, she
gave up on me. Not that I can blame her I guess. It wasn't
meant to be I guess, although.. I so wanted it to work.

It's 712pm. Continuation of the above.
I didn't realize I had this window still open. I almost
forgot about it. I just wanted it to work. Mel and I. And
now this feeling I have is that she's given up on me. For
good.

The thought is beginning to depress me. Evident from my
glass of alcohol sitting in front of me, half empty. Well,
more than a half. I've never drank before. I started a bit
early today, probably earlier than is normal for people. I
think 5pm. I got this bottle of some kind of alcoholic
cider for Christmas from a friend. Irony is that at the
time I was not a drinker. Now, I drink. Although not alot.
I hate this stuff, but I feel.. a little better. If that
makes sense. I can certainly understand why people say
they drink to forget. I can't imagine paying to drink
stuff that tastes so horrible though. That's just insane.
It must be the side effects. I wonder if people would pay
me money if I could make them forget their pain. Just a
whack in the head. How amusing that would be. I would get
to release some stress and they would forget their pain.
Well, maybe ..

I have this fantasy. I've won the lottery. I'm rich for
whatever reason. I check into this hotel in Canada. And I
email Mel and tell her I'm in Canada.. and that this is my
address. And that I love her, and that if she still loves
me back, to come meet me. And if not, I'll understand.
I'll leave and not bother her anymore. And then she comes
up and shows up and tells me she loves me. I tell her I
love her and, that's pretty much it. Another variation of
it, is where I am at her office place... well, it's not
important.

Ok I have to calm down. Everytime I think about it, I get
really tense. My breathing quickens and my heart just
begins to skip a bit. I've never met someone like that.

It's 1218am. Longest time it has taken to write an entry.
Actually, I'm feeling alot better since I last was..
drinking.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend, about the
issue of soul mates and true loves. Apparently, the theory
is that you should try a lock and key approach to finding
your soulmate. That is to say, using your key to.. ahem.
unlock your woman. Or, if your a girl, vice versa. If the
key fits...? Then I suppose you were meant for each other.
At first it seems kind of silly, but upon deeper
reflection, its not that different from the theory I had
either today or.. yesterday. It was probably today. Well
yesterday technically.. Hard to keep track when the date
changes during your write up of an entry.

She offered me something. She offered to talk with Mel. I
didn't expect that at all actually. It was quite
unexpected. It was the kind of friendship that made me
initially rethink my theory on how friendship form, and
why they form. I'm not sure if I want to let her talk to
Mel. At the moment, I guess this is what it feels like to
have a slight hangover. I dont know. I can't make a
decision while I'm hung over from drinking in the evening.
Am I an alcoholic? Can I be after drinking cider? Well..
actually I'm beginning to like the taste. I'm tempted to
let her talk with Mel. But I'm not sure if its the thing I
should or shouldn't do. I mean, this evening ... I was
feeling really down. Mostly cause I had this vibe that Mel
gave up on me. Not quite sure if such things are ever
accurate. I guess it's as much accurate as the groundhog
thing they do.. to see something about winter.. something
about a shadow. I'm not quite familiar with the practice.

But what I was saying, was that I was thinking of writing
an email to Mel. I was thinking of an email. But I'm not
sure. I wasn't sure if it was even worth sending. Of
course I can't say now cause I'm still a bit drunk. Drunk.
I keep having this urge to fall asleep. Ah.. the other
good thing alcohol is good for. Sleep. Just need to
remember to drink alot of water before I hit the mattress.

Talked with my one and only fan. She seems really cool.
Seems really interesting and not to mention busy.

I'm falling asleep in my chair at the computer. I had some
other things I wanted to write about. But I can't seem to
remember now what they were about. Probably more things
about Melanie that I could go without. I saw my other
professor today. Professor fettes. Man, I really dislike
her. She just can't teach. At least not data structures.
It's like a lightbulb bursted in my head. That's how bad
it was last semester. It just could not get any more
clearer. Plus, I can't forgive her for mistaking a
JTextField with a JTextArea uhh.. she told me not to use
the text area and so I used a text field, and got totally
screwed on grades for that project. She can't tell the
difference between the two. Not fit to teach data
structures.

I'm grateful for sleep coming to me. I thought tonight was
going to be a long night of staying up and listening to
depressed music. I guess I found a good use for this cider
after all. I can barely keep my eyes open, so I think.. I
will close with things I will want to write about tomorrow.
Let's see... melanie, and.. uh that's about it I guess.
Well more of the same then tomorrow. I'm sure when I look
back on this, I'll be so glad. Right. Well no one was
happy when I kept mentioning Sarah, so .. oh well.

Oh ya, and peak oil.. ya definitely peak oil.

and maybe something contempoary like.. something.

Time to sleep, and forget for just a bit longer more...

Oh ya, I'm listening to Damien Rice's song, Older Chests.
Very sad song.. reminds me of my father. Only I don't
think he could cry if he wanted to. Well maybe, I don't
know. But the chorus... it really gets to me.

Goes like..
Time, always time.
On my mind,
Just pass me by, I'll be fine.
Just give me time..

I wish I could have told Mel that.. I just need time. I
love this song..




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