a little piece of me
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2004-02-14 02:01:50 (UTC)

right decision?

after talking things over with turtle, i decided to give him
one last chance. i made it absolutely clear that if this
ever happens again, i am leaving him. no more
chances. i don't want to be one of those girls whose
feelings get trampled on, who stays in a bad
relationship because they are in love with someone.
but, i do love him. very much. have i made the right
choice? or should i have left him?

it's a lot to think about, but i have definitely made up my
mind. 3 strikes and you're out. i'm afraid that he'll lie to
me again. it's hard to trust him. things are very
strained between us right now, and it's like living with a
stranger. that's very sad. he used to be my best friend.
someone i could trust. and that's gone now. how many
other lies has he fed to me? when is he telling the
truth? how will i know? i guess this is something i'm
really going to have to work on. i don't want to hold
things over his head. i just don't want to forget or let
him forget how bad he hurt me again.

so, i guess that's it. we're supposed to be buying a
house together soon, and that scares me. that's a big
commitment to make when we're on such shaky
ground. i guess maybe i should tell him that i'm afraid.
i don't know about things anymore. i don't have anyone
to go to. my family and i don't speak anymore. my
friends have all moved away, or are too busy for things.
i don't know about things anymore.

well, i guess i should quit bitching and whining already.
i've got so much to do tonight, don't really have the time
to sit around and do this. don't know when i'll be back
again, although maybe i should start writing in here
habitually again. it used to help a little. we'll see.