Amnesia

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2004-02-13 07:13:32 (UTC)

College, jobs, and friends...

Yup I'm getting serious. Atleast I hope so. I keep saying
that I shouldn't hope, but I can't help it. Then again,
perhaps I can.

I'm having a thought. At least it just flew into my
mind... "What if I rebuild the underground railroad? We
could revolt without massa ever findin' out." Or something
like that, but nah, my real thought was: Maybe I should hit
the library every day to study for general ed.

Let me tell you how this thought came to my mind...

Lately all I've been doing is trying to wake up to watch
the hitchcock hour. Nice shows some of them have real great
story lines and cinematography. But besides that I eat
nuttela, get fat, dance to the beat of whatever is good on
the radio or a cd that actually plays in my cd player.

Alot of inspiration has been coming my way recently though.
First off freestreet is summoning this. So much
opportunities, so many cooky things, such weird people. The
director himself was full of fuel today. Popping out with
his obscure artistic ideas.

But anyway, shit I'm all over the place and can't organize
myself. Well here goes my attempt:

Recently I've been trying to get all my college stuff in
order. Scholorshiop deadline is March 1st. Technically, I
don't think I meet the requirements of any of them. I'm
really putting full force behind financial aid. I'm really
curious so as to what happened to that scholorship that
someone from freestreet was suppose to get to go to
Columbia. Did I miss some deadline? Should I ask about
that? I think I should, but I hate to. I feel so out of
place. It's always an inconvenience. Then again, if I get
denied for fed aid, which should be almost impossible,
unless I did something wrong, it would be so much more of
an inconvenience to pay all those student loans. Especially
at Columbia. Sheesh!
So basically what needed to be done:
-file for fafsa X
*sign fafsa X
-fill out application to Columbia X
*copy my green card X
*$35 m.o. -
*400 word essay -
*send application -
-file for official transcript X
*$2 m.o. -
*send it -

Besides all this I think it might just be pretty smooth
sailing. Except I'm constantly gonna have to look at new
scolorships. I should invest some time in that now... Later

Also I've looked at some of the courses I'd have to take.
Mainly I've been somewhat looking through that book that
Columbia sent me. It's got all the courses, and pretty much
anything you need to know as a new coming student. If only
all schools that you were interested in would send you a
whole book like that, I would of not freaked over this
whole college thing before.

One thing I'm still freaking over is the fact that I've
slacked on basic math and my english isn't perfect either.
I've underscored in Wright. Wright man, Wright. That bites
ass. I didn't care much though, and I want to work in a
bank, so I should really improve these skills for work,
college, and for myself. Hence the whole library idea.

I guess I could just walk on over to a nearby library and
a) rent a book on math improvement, and another on language
skills... or...
b) sit there and study.
Personally, I much prefer the plan b part, except I think
it would be a better environment, and more to do if I go to
the further one by Laramie. That one I know better, it's
bigger, I know where to find stuff, and I'd get some
excercise. Even though I know I would try to bum rides
every now and then.

Oh oh. This sounds like one of those crazy schemes I have.
Or I used to have. Back in the day of Teresa. Her and me
both would just be crazy man. Our schemes were innocently
out there.

I hope this isn't like one of those things where I get
hyped about something that I plan to do to improve myself
and I make a whole plan, and schedule, and it goes in
either one direction or another. Either I start and don't
apply myself, eventually start slacking off, start making
excuses for myself until it all goes to hell, or I just
quit before I begin. It sounds all too well like it.
Especially this next part.

So this would be my schedule:
Awaken at 10:30 - 11:00. (10:00 if taking shower)
Record at 11:00 - 12:00. (Alfred Hitchcock hour)
Online at 12:20 - 1:00. (Record progress in other diary)
Leavin'at 1:10 - 2:00. (To library)
Study at 2:00 - 3:00. (At least, or until time for f.s.
or out of understanding.)
Leavin'at 3:30 - 4:10. (In case of Home)
Munch at 4:30 - 5:30. (Leave time for Simpsons)
Personal time from then on.

I think I'll add something once I get used to this
schedule, but for now I'll try to get into this one.
Besides, if I get a job I will have to make major
adjustments to this one.

Speaking of jobs...
I talked to Agnes over the phone and she said to hand her
my resume so she can give it to her supervisor at the bank.
So I gave my mom the resume to give to her when she sees
her next. Unfortunately that will be no sooner then Monday.
(A lot of my plans are getting postponed because of that
holiday thing going on that day. Damn!)
Also, this guy called me up from Aerotek or something like
that. I've seen them post alot of jobs available for that
company, but most of it appears far. I have to call the guy
back, but I don't know what to say, or when to call. I'll
try Tuesday. That way I might be closer to an answer from
the Lasalle bank place. I don't really wanna go into a
business far, where I'm not sure of the work, and don't
really have any connection to anyone. Besides, who knows
what kind of cash I can make there. These companies are no
where near by. And there is a Lasalle bank right by my
house. So if ever they need someone there, I could just
transfer in closer, which might be rather nice.

That's kinda realistic right? Plus that guy called again. I
didn't tell him I've resigned. I should have. But he was
talking about some actual work. This would be easy money if
I could just sell it. He sold it well so I was yet again
convinced that something could happen there in my spare
time. But I'm fooling myself. Besides, insufficient
training, lack of material, lack of inspiration, and that
guy creeps me out. Damn it, stop hitting on me. He's
fucking old. Alteast he's stopped complimenting me and
calling me sweety. Bleh! So I'm definately NOT gonna do
that!!!

So see, I've gotten a little more serious. More realistic.
Taking charge. Trying to get back on track, in to the swing
of things. If all goes well, and I don't end up having a
nervous break down, it's all good. I shouldn't have one of
those though, it's not that much work really.

That's exactly what I've been telling myself lately. I've
been just playing a fool, and avoiding the unavoideable. I
realise that if I wouldn't of cowered off and just go
straight in to whatever is ahead of me I would have come
out much better. There were things in life I just CHOSE not
to comprehend. Certain things I tried to avoid, and never
deal with, or some to deal with later. For example:

- math/ science, or anything I thought I would never use in
school
- computer knowledge (tech in gen.)
- college search
- college fund search
- news
- bad news
- taking charge (me knowing what's going on, and not
relying on someone else to let me know maps for example)

Some of these things I still refuse to give into. I must
take things slowly though. One thing at a time. Or atleast
not ALL at the same time. I still don't watch the news and
keep my eyes from any bad news. Certain things I've kinda
tried to approach slowly. Kinda like dipping my toe in the
pool to test the water. Taking charge is one of those
things. I think, well, it's an idea planted in my mind at
least. I'm pretty damn sure if I apply myslef like I used
to, making sure for myself that all is taken care of, then
I'll be well off. Like to be in control? Yes I guess. That
way I know everything won't go hay wire. When it comes to
planning occasions with my friends though, that doesn't
count. That never works. Technically cause I plan it way
too late, but also other things apply.

MY FRIENDS, Oh yes, I either need more of them, or we need
to relate more somehow. Too many of my friends don't relate
to me that much. I don't relate to them much cause I don't
work, don't go to school, Club not often, but more often
then them, and yes, I'm a bit stupider & tend to get more
confused faster and easier. But that's all about to change.
I really need to study. The bridge program for Columbia
would be helpful I must admit, but I don't want to go
through it if I don't have to. I could work during that
time. Chill and work, and get mula to chill. Besides STDC
is gonna take a camping trip in the summer, and everyone is
gonna be out of school. Why on earth would I go to school
to make friends, or to occupy my time when everyone else is
studying, when they won't be studying anymore. I'll get to
school when they get out. That would suck too much. They
would make fun of me, like I think I kinda did them. Well
no, that was more of a loathing. Wishing them not to be in
school, and saying they suck for that reason, because I
know I want to be where they are. Is that loathing? I
should look that word up. And so I shall.
Okay I still kinda don't get it.
It means unwilling. Reluctant.
But what does it mean if you say I loathe you? I don't
approve of you? Is that it? I doubt it.

Well, this is my most recent plan so as to building aa
perfect life, and I already don't feel like going through
with it. Perhaps I should go to sleep. It could be just the
grogginess talking. I should do some more work now still.
I'm gonna have to set up my alarm to record that show
tomorrwo anyway.
Well, ciao!


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