jen

Too Much to Say
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2004-02-12 01:51:30 (UTC)

"if i only had a heart"

so apparently a lot of people think i'm heartless,
tough as nails, incapable of feeling pain-or even much
emotion at all for that matter. WHAT THE HELL!!! when did
i start putting out that image? how long have i been like
this? not in high school. am i really that guarded? and
it's all coming at me like crazy just recently. for
example: after michael and i had our little whatever at my
party, dave said to me, "you know, you broke that girl's
heart." (refering to some girl michael had been "seeing")
what about my heart?! i liked him too! how about how much
it upset me when i found out he's been in a semi-
relationship with someone else for quite awhile? then,
another time erin said about david, "he's only had one
girlfriend. i'm not going to let you lead him on!" lead
HIM on?! i'm the one being led on!!! i'm always the
sucker who falls! THEN, the other night aube said to
celina that i seemed "very tough"-emotionally. what's
going on?!! when did i become this unfeeling rock?
You know, i have feelings too! and it hurts just as
much when people step all over them. just because i have
physical desires people think i'm insensitive? i have to
fake some indifference or i'll never survive! perhaps i do
build walls. this is something someone wrote about me once
after i spent two years writing a musical basically
reflecting myself:

"I saw something beautiful tonight. That something was
your spirit. Jen, you don't like to say what you feel -- I
think that's not because you don't want to share it, but
because it takes too much effort to be able to put into
words the deepest stirrings of your heart, and 99% of the
time, there are no words adequate, WORTHY of your heart.
But your musicial spoke more eloquently than you can
imagine. When Mary Beth was speaking her lines, singing
those lyrics -- I saw you, you, starry-eyed Jen. From your
budding love for your dance partner...To the longing as you
read that letter after training...Every feeling...Wishing,
hoping, missing...All which you have borne courageously and
calmly. Everything was there, Jen. So subtle and artfully
woven that most people would never know...Yet at the same
time so honest and real and completely Jen. I hope that I
have a worthy dream, one that I'll someday be able to share
so quietly and eloquently."

it took me two years to write that show. two years to
express myself. maybe it's not that i don't have feelings,
it just takes too long to share them.


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