Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-02-11 23:03:26 (UTC)

Breaking down even slower

It's 547pm. I don't really care about the weather anymore.
I'm sure it's cold.

I hurt beyond recognition. Each passing moment is just
another interval to compound the enormous amounts of pain
that I have now. I am only grateful I am not at the
University, I don't know if I could hold myself mentally
together. Not that I do on a regular basis anyway. But
more so, today.

This is a very familiar experience. I was this suicidal
three years ago. I wanted to end it very badly, as I do
now. The only thing that keeps me here, is the sick and
twisted logic that I have cultivated for much longer than
I can remember. And this, masochistic sense of social
obligation I have to staying alive.

If I had brothers, I wouldn't feel bad about taking my
life. I know they would carry on without me. But as just
my luck, I do not have any brothers. I can't take my life.
This constant agony. It's even maddening that I can't
release it. Is this what it's like to go insane?

I need to be sedated. I literally need to be sedated. I
don't know if I can handle this.

Sometimes, I can control my feelings. Sometimes, I
experience a deathly calm. The calm that comes with
complete control. But it crumbles over time, and I can
experience the maddenning rush of feelings. It's not
something I am use to.




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