2004-02-11 07:44:01 (UTC)


I think the hardest thing about writing here is thinking of
a title or topic... Hmmms..
So, I closed an important online chapter in my life
today... It still hasn't sunken in, I don't think.. Finding
it kinda funny, people are messaging Mike asking him how
I'm doing, etc.. Some I know are with the best intentions,
others, well, I figure are just being nosy, or something..
Why not ask me, if you are that concerned, ya know?! It
was really hard to leave, but, I couldn't really think of a
good enough reason to stay after all the time I spent last
night trying to fix things with a post a mile long that
took me about 2 hrs to write, only to have it dismissed,
and pretty much laughed at.. A few whom I care a lot about
never said anything, which hurt... People that I am pretty
sure still like me, etc., didn't bother to back me or even
say goodbye.. Sucks, and is the story of my whole life, for
that matter.. I hate that I am judging them by their non-
response, but dang, I could've used back-up, or at least
moral support from the ones I feel I AM still close to.
I made it through the night at work without crying,
woohoo! I just knew I wasn't going to make it, after my
trip TO work, which I'll talk about in a minute..
I like my job, because for the most part, I only
occasionally have to TALK to people.. It's hectic at times,
seems like everybody needs something all at once, so I rush
around like crazy, only to get it taken care of and then be
back on my own doing my own thing again, which is cool..
Ran outta Darvocet last night, forgot to get it refilled
yesterday, so... I was about to die by the time I left for
work, called Mike on my way to work and started my stupid
crying over it hurting so bad, begging him to get it filled
for me, and bring it to work... He did, seemed kinda
frustrated about it, thou.. Which made me mad w/him, and
brought on a NEW stupid crying incident.. Anyway, up until
yesterday, the pain was all in my lower back, as usual, but
now its like my shoulder is in a constant spasm, or
something, and it is almost as bad as my lower back pain,
My other health issue from back in December has my nerves
shot, as well, as if I NEED anything else to stress me all
out.. I have this *mass* in one of my breasts.... I went to
the doctor back mid December about it, and he seemed to
think it was probably just an infection of some sort, but
sent me that day for a mammogram, and then on to the ultra-
sound because of the mammogram results.. The radiologist
told me he felt like it was probably an infection, and to
continue taking my antibiotic.. On Christmas Eve, I had to
go see a surgeon, for his opinion... He said the same
thing, he was pretty sure it was just an infection, and to
finish the meds, and it would probably go away on its own..
I started to think it WAS going away, but now I've realized
it is still there, and seems to be getting larger.. I dont
WANT to go back to the doctors, I hate being told *oh, its
nothing*, when I'm totally freaking out over things.. Can't
help but wonder thou, while they are guessing or assuming,
what if it IS something worse.. Driving around @ work
today, the thought crossed my mind, well, hell maybe it
WILL turn out to be cancer, and people I love and care
about will start to be concerned about me.. Sure, wish
yourself into a possibly fatal disease, so you get your
friends back, who were apparently never REAL friends at
all.. Me and my stupid screwed up way of thinking..
Speaking of all this health stuff, kinda funny, I've been
on Darvocet for gosh months now, and I actually read the
little *warnings* that come with the drugs.. HA Darvocet
shouldn't be taken if you have emotional disorders.. Well,
hmms.... The same doctor that diagnosed me
w/depression/anxiety, is the same one that is giving me
Darvocet.. Maybe I can blame my recent horrible state that
way... Well, its cuz I'm psychotic and I'm taking Darvocet..
I guess I'm doing a really good job hiding all this from
Mike, either that or he isn't paying any attention, or
something.. He has NO clue how I've been this past week,
because I know if he sees me sitting here crying over
online stuff again, he's going to explode... I asked to be
removed from LOF this morning/afternoon.. got the message
back that it had been done, and I was ok.. Little bit later
the stupid crying urge started up again, so I had to go
hurry and get in the shower so I could get it out where
Mike wouldn't know.. Had another kick in a little bit later
just from talking to a totally un-involved person, but by
then Mike was asleep, so, I was safe.
I don't really think I am ever going to be happy, or
normal.. I know if I didn't have kids, I'd probably have
killed myself by now, to be perfectly honest.. Can't
imagine how hard it would be on them. Mike would get over
it, pretty fast, probably.... Is just the way he is, it
isn't that he doesn't LOVE me, it's just that he doesn't
let things get to him, or something... I dont know.... I
find myself kinda hoping I'll get hit by a bus, or this
thing will turn out to be a rapidly spreading cancer that
is not treatable, or something. At least it wouldn't be
suicide... Not unless I jumped in front of the bus,
anyway.. But, then my kids are left with their asshole
dads. And that REALLY sucks and screws the whole thing up.I
suppose it would give me a REAL enough reason to feel sorry
for myself, rather than feeling sorry for myself over
STUPID things, hell then I could be the same basket case,
BUT for a good reason.
Anyway, *sigh* I'm done for the night.