stitched_soul

DiNaH says...
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2004-02-11 04:06:18 (UTC)

an open letter to a closed mind (part 2)

i was supposed to erase the entry 'confession', but then
you wouldn't understand everything that i would have to
write in this entry. then, my friend dennis mentioned a
title, 'an open letter to a closed mind', and against his
protestations i agreed to use it because it sounds right.
there was nothing he can do but continue eating my Moby
caramel puffs. so he was pacified afterwards.

and this entry, i named after the part 1:

i've been into some problems -- which you know some and
others i still kept secret -- and the past few days were
really, should i say, depressing. my dad was admitted to a
nearby clinic for life support -- that you knew. thank God
he was discharged yesterday afternoon. although, i'm still
not sure how is he now 'coz my cousin didn't tell me the
details.

anyways, as i've said, it was a very depressing moment.
especially when... i know i shouldn't be writing this, but
i wanted to... whether you read this or not, whether you
think positive or whatever.

i needed you... on those times when i was so down and
hopeless. death is sure, i know that and my dad's condition
has opened my mind to many posibilities. i might lose him
any moment... and i just wanted to have someone to comfort
me. i have lots of friends...
i have many relatives, i have my mother. but it's just
different. why? i don't know.

all i know is that i wanted you to be here with me...
i needed you to comfort me...
i needed to hear from you that i'm not alone...
i needed to feel that you care for me so much that even if
i'm going through a lot right now, you would not allow me
to isolate myself...
i needed you to force yourself on me...
i needed you to love me, too.

i was desparate i know that. i was insanely assuming that
you'd care enough to go out of your way and rescue me. but
you didn't. i guess i'm not that important to you -- if
ever i was. you may have many reason why you can't, but it
all sums up to not being able to make any effort for me.
you're not willing to be with me.

i'm saying all this stuff not because i am angry, not
because i wanted you to pay back the time and effort i've
given to you, but because i needed you.
i still need you now.
but i guess it's hopeless to continue doing so.
it's useless to still need you and want you and...
love you.
i'm not gonna wait in vain,
not ever.


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