One Day At a Time
first day of many
well, i'm back at home. how do i feel? lonely. painfully
lonely. i don't know what to do about it. i try to keep
busy around the house but that can only work for so long.
its at night that its the worst. i just need someone to
hold me and just be there. but there's no one to do it. i
try to hold myself but what good does that do other than
make my shoulder hurt. i'd love to call the friends that i
think i have but i'm not sure if they'll want to see me or
talk about anything other than how wonderful their lives
are. one can't help but see how great everyone's lives are
now that you aren't around. maybe i was what was wrong
with their lives? that line of questioning only leads to
more sdness and i have enough of that on my own. i just
want to ball up and cry. maybe it'll change later on
today. lets hope so. my mom is starting to want to talk
about things that i'm just not ready to talk abotu yet.
its frustrating b/c i'd love to just aks her to stop
asking me but i can't even communicate that. i wasn't
always this bad at talking. what happened? eric came down
on friday to see me and it was wonderful. i felt so happy.
there are a few other peope that i'd love to see and that
it would do me so good to see. but i don't know how to ask
and tell them what it would mean to me to see them. i want
something really meaningful with these people in my life.
but i feel so selfish for wanting all of that. sometimes i
feel like i deserve ir, but if i deserved it wouldn't
people want to do it for me anyway? i hate being here
alone all the time. all i do is sit around and look at the
walls and make pointless phone calls to people who don't
care at all about anything. no one calls and no one comes
by other than the mail man. its almost like i don't exist
until 9 at night. in a way for some people out ther i
don't exist. i met a great guy in GA. but i don't think
there's anything there- i'm too far away for a friendship.
i'm aware of that but i wish he could just say "hey i
really don't think there's a point to us talking anymore."
atleast then i could stop feeling like i'm a big joke to
him and his friends. i hate that feeling. it would just be
great for him to call and leave a message or something.
anything to know that i exist!!! time keeps going on.
faster and faster by the day. i hate it. i just wish it
would slow down. i'm so far from where i used to be- i
used to be happy. i don't even know if i have an idea of
that anymore. the shame and guilt that i have are just too
much. everyday there's something that brings it back. a
moment of happiness and an hour of sadness. that seems to
be the ratio for me. i used to have dreams filled with
light and happiness and joy. i would wake up feeling happy
and knowing something good was going to happen at some
point in the day. i hope something good happens everyday
but i don't expect it anymore. why should it? good things
happen to good people. i've caused so much trouble. for so
many people. and i can't stand it. all i ever wanted to do
was bring light and love and god things to people. but it
seems like i can't do it. maybe i never could. it would be
great to just be held right now and to just talk about all
that i'm feeling. but who would listen? everyone is busy.
and that has to be okay. if i don't talk about it
sometimes i feel like i'll die. maybe its just a sad day.
they'll be those sometimes. but i just can't let it
cripple me, right? its okay to feel bad and sad and angry.
sometimes it feels like its too intense so i don't want to
feel it. maybe that's how i got to this point. i just want
to sit down and write letters to people but i wouldn't
know where to send them. maybe that's something that i
should do. that'll help with some of the guilt that i
have. i'll try one at a time and see how it goes. deep
dpwn inside i know that i'll be alright but its just so
hard right now. its like knowing its light outside but
being so far from a window or door. it'll take a while but
i'll get there. i have no other choice.