2004-02-09 07:53:46 (UTC)

how soon is good

tonight maya and i watched 13 conversations about one
thing. this is maybe the 3rd time ive seen it. it makes me
happy. i rented it , was interested in it, initially, cause
i liked the name,

13 conversations about one thing

and afterwards i walked out of my house with clean laundry
in hand, driving maya home, and i thought of chris . he saw
that video on my table, he was drunk and in his silly drunk
voice said he liked that name. one of those little things
that was added to the love pile. i miss him. in a way i
dont miss marco. i miss the way it felt to be with him. to
laugh. to feel that comfort. feel that connection.

i cant let myself go on here now cause im a big fat loser
for being nostalgic at all. i cant talk to him anymore
cause i cant stand thinking about him with another girl.

sometimes i think about marco and think what the hell am i

sometimes i am OK with life.... recently.... i feel
alright. been going to the gym. taking a writing class.
work starts next week . im GONNA do alot of things. trying
to take life day by day.

im not writing so much in this, or my real journal. yeah i
write to marco but not nearly ALOT. i sort of feel my brain
dripping away... bloop. i miss school.

im too old. for this. i feel like i sound 16, 17.

this writing class, i dont really want to take it. i dont
care about what other people write or what they have to say
about what im writing. problem is im NOT writing and i feel
the class will make me do it. Outside deadlines.

i think im not doing the journal writing so much cause i
dont wanna think. i dont wanna think about marco or my life
or whats going on or the lack of things going on cause it
will just make me depressed. i dont want to think about
anything. i want to watch tv, and go to the gym and read
about math, and get drunk and stuff like that.
i pay alotof attention to how people live and should really
pay attentiion to how I am living.

i feel like im slowly slowly getting the hang of things

although i am starting to wonder again how good of a person
i really am.