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2004-02-07 17:20:57 (UTC)

Well, its Saturday..

My access hasn't yet been deleted from the LOF boards... I
guess that's a good thing, haven't really decided, yet....
I have a *goodbye* post up, that quite a few people have
responded to, telling me I shouldn't leave, etc.. It's
great to feel wanted, but I'm still afraid to stay.. There
are so many double standards there, depends on who you are
as to what you can get away with, etc.. Someone can treat
people like shit, be an ass, and run other people in the
ground, but yet be welcomed, and forgiven, with the excuse
that, their heart is in the right place.. With me, I say
something as simple as *I wonder if I should be here*, and
get attacked for it.. I hate double/triple whatever they
are, standards.. I don't think my heart is in the WRONG
place, *geez*... Just doesn't seem fair how someone can
spew such hatred on a very regular basis, and be welcome...
But someone like me, who occasionally speaks before
thinking because of whatever emotions I'm feeling, can be
treated so much more harshly.. I can't stand people who
apply different standards to different people... To me
that's the most unfair thing you can do.. I mean, I guess
it's another self-pity thing, maybe I wouldn't even notice
if it wasn't me that I feel is getting the short end of the
deal.. I keep thinking, why would I even want to be there
if the *politics* etc. are like that? Well, that's a really
rough question... I keep being told, I have friends there
and why would I let the people that DON'T like me have
their way rather than do what my friends want me to do.. I
can't answer that... I don't WANT the people I feel have
been shitty to me to push me out the door, but I know that
if people jump me for staying, after ALL my idle threats
(maybe 3-4 in 3-4 yrs), I will wind up spending another
day, or days sitting here bawling over stupid *online*
things.. Hating myself for caring, and going back and forth
between being mad and hurt.. I don't want to spend another
day that way... :(
I still haven't talked to my *friends* who left me and went
to a different Earth clan.. I'm not quite sure what to say,
yet.. I think maybe 2 so far has responded to my *goodbye*
post in LOF, one of which was cool... But only two outta
like four or five that were really close, kinda sucks.. I
mean, hell I dont know what I mean.. It helped that she
responded and said she still cared and was only an ICQ
away, but, what about the others? The other couple of em
that I used to talk to on a pretty regular basis? One used
to message me EVERY day, with something stupid or funny to
get me going... Haven't heard a peep from him since all
this went down... It hurts... He responded with some stupid
neutral comment that didn't even seem like he cares WHAT
happens on my post.. So I have one that says they still
care, one that might as well have not said ANYTHING, and
two or three that haven't posted a thing.. :(
Anyway, I guess sooner or later I will either make a
decision, or they will make it for me and delete my
access.. I hope soon I have the guts to talk to the people
that left, if I can ever just figure out what to say... :(

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