2004-02-06 18:38:19 (UTC)


I kinda feel like I should have continued that a little bit
farther, seems like the things that are getting to me the
most were allowed the least amount of space..... Feeling
abandoned, dumped, etc....
I've gotten a couple ICQ's from the people I feel
*abandoned* me, but haven't yet answered.... Main reason
being, at the time I was sitting here still bawling like a
friggin baby over the whole thing.. I've gone back and
forth from being so mad at them for leaving me, to crying
because they left, to being spiteful, and many other
feelings... I am kinda afraid if I talk to these people,
that I will make things worse, but I also know if I do not
answer them, they will never know how badly this whole
thing has upset me, on so many levels.. Do I even really
WANT them to know? I'm on a real big *poor pitiful me*
kick, and I hate it... I hate the fact that I care so much
about people, and what they think of me, and that I cannot
separate *online* from *real* life.. Do I really want them
to know how badly they hurt me? Letting them know kinda
seems to me like they *won*... Even though I DO know it was
not intented to be that way for them... I know I'm the only
one that has been affected this hard by all these events,
the rest are just doing their thing, no big deal.. The
*rug* hasn't been pulled out from under them.... They're
all still in LOF, they're all still playing Earth with
their new clan, and with the LOF family.. I do have friends
left in M4C, but it's just not the same.. I am not a
deserter, M4C needs me right now, but, my heart just no
longer seems in it.. I am not quite sure what I am going
to do with my time, if I step away from Earth, and M4C... I
don't have LOF anymore, I recently gave up a *job* with the
Online Gaming League that gave me another *connection* to
different people... Is there life for me away from all
this? I really don't know..... See, my family lives in
another state, 600ish miles away... I see my family twice a
year, if I'm lucky.. My husband's family is in a different
state, 300 miles away.. He's not real connected to them, so
we might see them once a year. He and I work different
shifts, he's home, I'm sleeping, I'm home, he's sleeping...
When I'm awake, he's working, and vice versa.. I don't see
my kids hardly at all through the week, because I go to
work at the same time school lets out, which is really
hard, Kaleb cries because he doesn't get to see me, and I
hate not getting to see him more, too.. I see him around
1am, when I pick him up from his dad's, and bring him
home... Sometimes he stays awake and we can chat, other
times he sleeps and I just hang onto him on the way home...
We get home, I tuck him in, and.. won't see him again til
the next night, because if I get up to take him to school,
I can't seem to go back to sleep, and then the whole next
day/night, I struggle to stay awake and alert..

Anyway, kinda got off topic.. The time I do have available
to *do* anything, is usually in the middle of the night,
when normal people sleep, or a couple hours early afternoon
while Mike is sleeping before I go to work.. Doesn't make
for much room to form friendships except online.. So, my
online *family* is about all I have.. The last few days,
I've lost nearly all of that family, and it really hurts,
and has my feelings and nerves in a total uproar..

I hoped this *diary* would help me think more clearly, not
sure yet if it's helping, although, at least I'm getting
some of this out.. Feels really weird for it to be out in
*public*, but, I may decide to share it with those
involved, maybe if I'm wrong and they are my friends, there
can be a solution or something.. Can't really see one
myself, because I have quit LOF, and if I recind that, I am
going to catch so much slack Lord only knows how many days
I will spend sitting here bawling over the whole thing
again, cursing myself for letting it get to me, and crying
more because it DID.. They won't come back, and I can't
leave M4C, not yet, anyway.. And even if I do, I can't see
me going anywhere else, if I do quit, it will be stepping
away from the game entirely... So... all my ties with my
closest online friends and family have pretty much been
severed.. We will no longer have LOF in common, or M4C, or
Earth... I don't play any other games anymore, so.. I just
feel really lost and alone, now... Mike gets sooo mad at me
for being upset... I sat here yesterday and bit my tongue
and *behaved* until he went to sleep, only to spend the
rest of the time he slept crying... Alarm goes off, I have
to go wash my face complain of a cold to explain the
sniffling that won't stop... He goes to work, and I'm back
at it again..
I have a close friend on here, with whom I have found a
connection, he seems to have the same weird feelings and
emotions that I do, and he's helped me with relaying
information back and forth to the people involved, and I
kinda wanna add that I appreciate it, Daemon.. I am glad I
have had you through all this, because Lord only knows what
I could have/would have done yesterday in the middle of my
raging fits had you not been here to talk to me and try to
calm me down and work things out... It really helps to have
someone who understands these funky moods and self-hatred
and whatever else there is.. For you to be so young, I feel
really bad for dumping all of this on your shoulders, but
at the same time, I am really glad I have you as a friend
to help me work through this... I am really afraid of where
I would've been without you..

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