2004-02-06 17:45:30 (UTC)

My first entry.......

I decided to start this thing today, if for no other reason
than to try to work things out that I'm dealing with, maybe
even one day show it to the people it concerns... I feel
like my mind works differently from everyone else's, but,
maybe everyone feels that way, I don't quite know LOL!

My name is Kelly, I am 35 yrs old, married to Mike, and I
have two boys, Ken, 14(nearly 15 omg) and Kaleb, 8.. We are
probably lower-middle class, if I had to classify it.. I
drive a fork-lift for a living, which is kinda cool,
although not very "lady-like", and Mike is a Maintenance
Technician at a place that makes RV refrigerators..

I have a lot going on in my life right now, some that would
probably be insignificant to most, but for some reason
doesn't seem that way to me.. Other things, are kinda
serious, at least, could possibly turn into something
serious, anyway... I suffer from anxiety/depression, and I
am horrible about taking the medication, because my stupid
doctor has me on a dosage that can only be reached by TWO
different prescriptions, and for some reason I'd just as
soon take neither as pay for both! (stupid, huh?) Maybe
that will help to understand the rest of this, and why I
get so wound up so easily, maybe not..

I've been off work for the past 4 days, because I am having
trouble with my lower back.. Because I haven't been at my
job for all that long, these are unpaid, which I know is
going to cause things to be pretty tight over the next few
weeks, although, I'm kind of afraid it could affect us even
longer, as my doctor doesn't really seem to know WHAT to
do, nor has he really even suggested anything except
sending me for an EMG, to check for nerve *damage* in my
legs... I kinda am not real concerned about the damage in
my legs, because I can't stop focusing on the fact that my
back is KILLING me, and nothing is being done about THAT...
Kinda seems like, if there is nothing wrong with the nerves
in my legs, nothing is going to be done to make my back
stop hurting, and this whole week, I have barely been able
to move, unless its 1-2 hrs after I've taken my Darvocet,
Naproxen, and the muscle relaxers he has prescribed... I
wake up every day, and it is a struggle to manage to roll
over, or even sit up, and get myself out of bed.. Mike
seems to be frustrated with me, but I have a feeling that
in the back of both of our minds, we are worried about the
financial problems this time off work is going to cause...
But, he doesn't say much of anything, kinda feels like he's
trying to just ignore me, and this back problem of mine..

Well, thats the *significant* stuff, which may explain a
little bit of my raised stress level here lately... Now, I
should discuss the *insignificant* stuff... I hate saying
insignificant, but, seems like everybody except me sees
this that way... To me, this insignificant stuff has caused
me more pain in the last week than my back has.. At least
the medication makes the back pain go away for a little bit
at a time..

A little background.
Those that know me, know that I have been in a multi-gaming
clan called LOF (Lethaloldfarts) for the past 3-4 years.. I
started in LOF because before Mike and I were married, I
learned that he was a gaming junkie... I learned real fast,
if you can't beat em, join em... So I did. I learned to
play Quake 2, never got really good at it, but it was fun
playing with Mike, instead of sitting back and doing
nothing while he played.... LOF is a big clan, but through
the years I have developed many friendships there, lost
some, made new ones, etc etc.. Anyway, couple years passed,
and a really close friend introduced me to Earth2025, a web
based *war* game.... He and I worked to get LOF involved in
It was kinda a nightmare, when we first started, we didn't
understand the *politics* of the game, we didn't know which
clans (like RD) who would kill you if you did something
stupid(even if you didn't KNOW it was stupid)... And, in
our first set playing as LOF with a group of about 20
members, I did something stupid to a cheating clan (RD),
and wound up getting all of LOF killed.. Next set, we
ticked off a little clan (who was still much bigger and
experienced) named ISW, and they kinda wiped the floor with
us, as well... We learned really fast that we could not
make it in Earth with our small membership, and started to
think about and discuss merging into a larger clan....
There was a very impressive clan, about our size, TheCult,
who was kicking butt and taking names, we met them and
discussed merging, but the details never worked out.... Not
many clans will give pacts or anything to smaller clans,
but we wound up getting one with a group similar to our
size, GDF... GDF later merged into M4D, but I stayed in
touch with them... LOF decided we needed to get with a
bigger clan, or we would not continue to play... Well, just
so happened the news reached us that these two clans,
TheCult, and M4D were going to merge.... Me being FA for
LOF, had had contact with both, and somehow or another it
came about that LOF would merge into the newly
formed "M4C", at the same time TheCult and M4D merged...
LOF members in general, the ones not playing Earth, kinda
pitched a fit about LOF'ers playing under a different tag,
and when we first started, we did play with M4CxLOF tag,
but it became pretty obvious it would be easier if we all
used M4C... LOF'ers who did not play Earth just couldnt
comprehend WHY we needed a different tag to succeed in
Earth, but, after a couple weeks of back n forth, we were
given the go-ahead, to play under the M4C tag... We came
into M4C at the end of their first set, while they were
warring with Un4given, and helped out where we could, and
became part of the family at M4C... Our LOF leaders were
given higher up spots in the M4C leadership, I think we
wound up with 2 Heads, and a few ministers by the end of
the set... Well, life kicks in, people come, people go, and
our LOF membership had dropped quite a bit.. See, when 2
clans merge, let alone 3, there are tremendous *growing
pains*, tons of things that need to be worked out, etc...
M4C, 3 sets later, is STILL working out those growing
I made a mistake in the attempt to *define* something that
is a pain in the butt in Earth, topfeeding. Myself and
others in the FA dept at M4C tried to work out a formula,
because everyone kept asking and wanting to know exactly
what a *topfeed* was, before they took landgrabs.. Well, it
is something that is nearly impossible to define before you
hit someone, as most clans define it as something like, "if
we don't get 85% of our land back in the first retal, its a
topfeed".... Hince, the reason we TRIED to define it.. Our
attempts got posted into the rules, where they never should
have been, but it was a mistake on many parts, mainly my
own for not knowing they were there, and for attempting
this impossible task to begin with.. A friend from my LOF
group, was using these formulas, and got busted for
topfeeding from other clans.. I felt really bad about this,
but was not quite sure what to say, because although he was
a friend, I had another 110-115 people to watch out for as
well, and the clans in question were already rumored to be
looking for a war with us.... So, I gave the other clan
clearance to take topfeed retals... So I have this in the
back of my head, we can't win a war against this clan, and
I felt like I had no choice at the time but to give the
topfeed retals.. So, I have this friend upset with me,
because I allowed it, who is demanding pretty much that I
do something, or he's gonna hit the clan back, etc etc.. I,
in the heat of the moment hating being in the middle,
says.... "well, quit then....." Three words that are now
kinda ringing in my head, because I feel like those three
words cost me so many close friendships, it hurts to even
think about it... See, those three words, triggered a huge
fight amongst LOF'ers and M4C'ers... M4C admitting that
there was a mistake in the rules, LOF'ers wanting answers
and confirmation that this person had done nothing wrong...
Well, he didn't, M4C and myself did, for the rules being
there, but I guess admitting we had made a mistake wasn't
good enough. This riff turned into a clan-wide M4C vs LOF
war, with me so mixed in the middle I didn't know what to
do..... I nearly quit LOF, I posted my resignation, and was
later convinced by friends who were in both LOF and M4C,
that it was an M4C issue, and had nothing to do with my
home, at LOF, and that it would stay in M4C... So, I
deleted my post before anyone saw it... A couple days
later, to my horror, after all the battles and back and
forth in M4C, log into the LOF site and see myself quoted,
and, I felt, being attacked.... I did not see how I could
handle having to deal with this mess on both the LOF and
the M4C sites, so I, in a post, wondered if I belonged in
either... Big mistake, see, because I just got in trouble
about a year ago for threatening to quit, over something
that had me bawling and upset then..... That episode had
added to bad feelings that I have yet to figure out where
they were rooted... I know at one time I took playful jabs
at these people, and one of them took it seriously and has
held it against me ever since, so I quit responding to
posts he made, although, any time I post anything out of
line he is right there to point out my mistake.... So, I
posted I wondered if I belonged in LOF or M4C.... and, this
guy posts pretty much that he's sick of idle threats, etc
etc....and, the "friend" who had brought the issue to LOF
to begin with, agrees.... So.... I quit.. I messaged one of
our Admirals, and asked to be removed from the roster... He
wasn't real happy about it, I don't think, but agreed to
give me a few days to think it over, and to say goodbye
before he removed my access.... Leaving LOF isn't something
I really want to do, but, with the attacks in the past on
me for my "idle threats", I'm not sure it would be possible
for me to go back and not be attacked again for it, and I
do not believe I am strong enough to deal with that.
Back in M4C, the bickering back and forth started to slow
down... Things looked a little better, someone had offered
to pay the LOF'er back with reparations for the land he'd
lost, I offered to let him take the land back from me, but
beings the LOF'er had refused to come back to the site, we
had no way of knowing what he was thinking, other than his
wife and a friend telling us he wasn't coming back, etc....
People tried to contact him, some got through, some
didn't..... I didn't try, beings those three words that
started the whole thing came from me.... "just quit
then".... The original problem post got deleted, caused
even MORE problems, and more fighting.... All the while, I
got my differences settled with most all of the LOF'ers
involved(except the one I said that too), and thought
things were being worked on....
To my horror, a couple nights ago, right after I posted in
LOF that I quit... I log into M4C, and see that my closest
friends from LOF, are leaving M4C.... I cried, as this was
my only *connection* I'd have left to LOF... I knew then,
that it wouldn't just be them, I kinda figured on at least
3 others leaving, but throughout the day yesterday, things
got worse and worse... I logged in yesterday morning to see
MORE had quit, everyone is going to a different tag, and
nobody has even mentioned anything to me.... See, I
remember the trouble we went through in the first place for
LOF'ers to go under the M4C tag, and it amazes me that
nobody cared that the group was splitting up and going
somewhere else...... It hurt me, because I hadn't been
invited... I had left LOF against what my heart wanted me
to do, and here I'm losing the only connection I had with
the friends I've cherished over the past 3-4 years... I
cried nearly all day, cussing myself all the while for
caring, after all, I'd been abandoned, not invited, dumped,
however you want to look at it..... I know they didn't tell
me because of my position in M4C, however, I just feel like
it wouldn't have hurt as bad to have had a little warning
that I was losing the last of my connection to LOF, to be
invited to join, whether I wanted the move or not... Not to
just be left behind with nobody...
So, here we are....