Me and X
2004-02-06 13:03:00 (UTC)

broken endings

This isn't tanya anymore, it's x we are finally and
totally through. seven wasted years....don't get me wrong i
love very much....and she possibly did as well but we'll
never really know now. for anyone out there take a lesson
from what we had. she and i had had a relationship that was
built on falsehood and fantasy...well at least for her. at
one point she and i were best friends....or at least i lwas
lead to believe. it aches my heart to leave shit like
this..to have fucked her over like i did now, but it was
necessary...otherwise it would've kept going. she told that
shes been faithful to me now for over 2 years, but i never
believed her and i guess now i'll never know. a part me
hates her for ruining a posible future we could've
had....see she appeared to be everything i wanted and at
one point maybe she really was, but i suppose it's a moot
point now. i'll love her always...and i'll cherish the good
memories we had....i'll miss her. i wish i understood why
we started treating each other so bad....i shouldn't have
ever treated her bad, i shouldve walked away, i guess i
wasn't ready to. she flew back from mexico early this
morning and we spoke for the last time and finally told me
why she never really gave a chance....i knew iit all along
but i wanted to hear it from her...i needed to hear it from
her. this is what closed the book for us. i know she hasn't
written in this thing for almost a year, but i figured it
needed an end. i needed an end to this dead end
relationship. it'll be hard to not call her or write her,
but i'll do it...just gonna take time to get over her. i
can almost say that i regret having met her, but that would
be a lie. in as much as she gave me heartache and grief,
she gave me something no other woman in my life had. she
made me feel more than i thought i could and sex with her
was the best (i will definitely miss that).i doubt that
anyone will read, much less care about this, but i needed
to get this off my chest somewhere i can forget it at.
tanya, if you ever read this i'm sorry for all the grief i
ever caused you, i know you think i'm never sorry but i am,
especially since i wont ever have you again. you'll always
be my angel and my love. i hope that when you find someone
new (as much ill hate it) you take what happened with us
and not repeat the mistakes we made. god i wish there were
no mistakes with us ever. i'll miss seeing you smile and
hearing you laugh, thinking of the sily things you do (like
offering me that spongebob toothbrush holder) which is
making cry right now..i'm so stupid to have let you get
away, so stupid for being insecure..... ive always tried to
live my life according to the theory that its better to
regret something i've done than something i haven't i think
i've accomplised both now i regret what i've done to you
and regret not having made a life with you. god why is this
killing me? why werent you there when i needed you most?
why didnt you take care of my heart? i gave it to you in
such a fragile state and you went and broke it again. i
regret that ill never see or hear you laugh
again.....regardless..... fuck..fuck..fuck..
the good times were great with you and ill try to forget
all the bad..........i'll alway love you and im sorry for
ever being an asshole to you. i know i hurt you, but i hurt
me even more. there's a clarity now in my mind how i kept
you out when you finally wanted to come back in...im a fool
for it and ill have to live with that........ill always
love you tanya i always have ..i think you knew that even
with my biggest wall there. im such a rash fool....
goodbye my sweet angel, i'll always love you and ill miss
you :(