/me

2004-02-05 13:40:57 (UTC)

psych. helpline

Hello, you have reached the Dysfunctional Hotline. The
following options
are available:

If you have posttraumatic stress disorder,
s-l-o-w-l-y a-n-d c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
please press 1, over and over and over and over and...

If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities,
please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are dyslexic,
press 9696969696969696.

If you are paranoid,
we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the
line while we trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic,
listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what to
do next.

If you are delusional,
press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother
ship.

If you are paraphilic,
press your own button...in private.

If you have bi-polar disorder,
please leave a message after the Beep or before the beep or
after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you are depressed,
it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will
answer.

If you are manic,
press all numbers at the same time.

If you have a nervous disorder,
please fidget with the pound key (#) until a representative
comes on the line.

If you are comatose,
press each number from 9 to 1 backwards, then leave your
name and your number at the sound of the beep.

If you have amnesia,
press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, Social Security number, and your mother's
maiden name.

If you have low self-esteem,
please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are ambivalent,
hang up and call back.

If you are oedipal,
your mother would like to talk to you - please stay on the
line.

If you are in need for Electroconvulsive Therapy,
please hang up and place the call again from the bath tub.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are menopausal,
hang up, eat some chocolate, turn on the fan,
lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you wish to speak to a physician,
be advised your plan requires a second opinion and 30-day
waiting period before you receive this service which has
been designated non-essential.

If you are blonde,
don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Thank you for your call.




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