KT

Perfection Kills
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2004-02-05 05:42:07 (UTC)

11 am, what i want

Sitting here... it is 12 hrs away from 11 am (roughly) and
all i can think about it... bad things. I just feel
shitty these days for being me. Like I'm not good enough
or whatever... I feel like i'll never amount to anything
that's good enough for anyone to... anyone... to love...
which is a pathetic thing since i don't even know if i
ever want to get married or have children. I don't want
the American dream. I don't want to live in upper class
suburbia with a loving employed/rich husband and 2.7 or
however many kids. I don't want a white picket fence
where all i have to do all day is sit on my god damn ass
and eat bon bons or some such other nonesense. But i also
don't want to be alone at 85 in some nursing home...
Anyways, this is all off topic (yay for kt tangents). My
point still is that... i dislike myself... i look back on
things i've done during the day and hide my face in my
hands in shame... i can't believe some of the stupid shit
i say and slutty shit i do... i just wish i were normal...
i want all of my embarassing moments to go away... i want
to be one of those smart, sexy, intelligent girls that
just... i don't know... i just want... i want... man, what
do i want? it's been so long since i thought about my
personnality that i think i've forgotten... i don't even
know my favorite color anymore... maybe that's why i wear
black... because i no not what color it is i prefer to
wear... or what clothing style... i hate this so much... i
hate everything so much... i just want to... i found it...
i want to crawl away from the pain. i want the echoes to
stop... i shouldn't have to hear the repeating noise of a
breaking heart. I want the smiles and laughter to finally
mean i'm happy... i want a guy to like me... i mean a
good, funny, outgoing, normal yet understanding guy to
like me... and want to stay with me for more then 6
fucking weeks and then call me his pal. Shit... i don't
know. ijust feel so... out of place everywhere. Everyone
has paired off into friendships when i'm around so i'm
left... alone... with myself... one of the people i
dislike the most... i fear that if i hang out with myself
too much, i may become just that... myself... i mean... i
don't know... why do people hate me? why do they send it
upon themselves to make my life a living hell? what did i
ever do to them except care for them... except accept them
for who they are and the fact that they won't change?
What have i ever fucking done to anyone to make them hurt
me as much as they have... i just feel so... so...
abusable... vunerable... a target... i feel so... small...
unimportant... someone that everyone can push around
because i forgive... or someone they can be mad at
because i care... because i just... i just... can't take
this... i want to scream, i want to cry, i want to laugh,
i want to sigh, i want to bleed all of the pain from
happiness. I want to hit i want to kick i want to wash
away thing shit until there's nothing left but bones... I
JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE DONE WITH! I WANT YOU PEOPLE TO
STOP FUCKING ME OVER BECAUSE I AM WHO I AM! I CAN'T
FUCKING HELP IT! I'VE TRIED, AND BELIEVE ME, IF I COULD,
I'D BE ALMOST ANYONE ELSE BUT NO, YOU CAN'T FUCKING ACCEPT
THAT CAN YOU, THAT'S NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT I FUCKING CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU I
RISK EVERYTHING I HAVE WITH YOU FOR YOUR FUCKING SAFETY
(ONLY TO FIND OUT LATER THAT YOU'RE FULL OF BULL SHIT) AND
HAVE TO BE FUCKING FORGIVEN FOR MY CRIMES OF CARING! SHIT!
FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY... ENOUGH PAIN I'VE GONE THROUGH
JUST SO THE WHOLE WORLD DOESN'T KNOW AND NOW YOU GO
SPREADING IT... I HATE YOU...I HATE you... I hate you... i
wish i could hate you... ~ KT


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