KT

Perfection Kills
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2004-02-04 05:53:13 (UTC)

friendships

Today is shit. I got four hours of sleep last night and I
miss him more then I can stand. I miss my old friends so
much. At least I knew they needed me. At least I knew
when one of my “terrible ex’s” said they loved me, they
meant it, and it wasn’t going to be one of those “I’m
still figuring out what I want and you’re the best I’ve
found so far” type of loves, it was one of those “at this
moment, I want to be with you the rest of my life” type
loves. Not that I want to be in that type of love, or
love at all for that matter, but my point remains. They
(my old friends) would never walk away from me… leave me
standing alone in a hallway or at my locker. Wesley
wouldn’t make me feel worthless… she’d spend almost every
weekend devoted to me… it was nice to feel wanted…Kayla
would never call me stupid or ignore me either… whenever I
had a problem, all of my old friends listened to me… I
mean listened… when I was crying, I was standing right
there in their arms, not on the other end of a telephone
line… or the other end of a computer… Wesley and I
could actually have intellectual, thought provoking
conversations about everything… Sure, they all had their
faults… but it’s just… Christ I feel like shit… It isn’t
just a physical feeling of aloneness anymore… it’s now
mentally more then ever… I can talk to someone… I can be
standing next to someone… in the arms of someone… and feel
so very alone…I also feel ignored… I feel so ignored that
I could swear if I screamed, not one living thing would
answer my pleas of help. Believe it for I have tried. I
have been screaming at you all forever… I have been
screaming for help… screaming to “god”, to friends, to
enemies, to family, to acquaintances… I’ve been shouting
to the point of losing all my voice and no one turns…
every tear I’ve shed during school, no one cares. I have
myself so holed up in this depression I can see nothing
else now…
I used to be so happy…I had an amazing guy, an
amazing best friend. Now, he and I rarely have
meaningful conversation… Scratch that, he and I barely
have a conversation, unless we’re on the phone and I’m
depressed. Yes, because a cold phone receiver and your
soft words are so going to make my pain go away so much
better then a hug would, then a sign of caring from anyone
would. Every tear shed in almost everyone’s presence
these days is cast off, “psh, KT’s sad? Don’t worry,
she’ll be happy again soon, leave her be to cry it out,
that’ll fix her…” fix me… My best friend and I still
chill, still talk but… I feel unimportant… ignored and
stepped on and made fun of, intentional or not. I used to
be so happy… but now, now I’m just alone inside my head
with nothing but echoes of hearts breaking, and memories
and smiles fading… the crevasse between my real friends
and me is growing. If I take a step towards them, I fall
into a bottomless ditch of failure. Each day, the divide
grows and so does my lust for blood.
Self-harm is the newest fashion, huh? All those
who do it are posing-attention-seeking-trend-whores huh?
Then how the fuck do you explain me? Christ, it’s like
because one person wanted to get attention, that means
that automatically everyone’s doing it for shits and
giggles. Just because Avril’s a poser, it doesn’t mean
the rest of the “punk” population is too. I hate to
inform you – self-harm is very real. It’s like alcoholism
except the long-term effect isn’t it fucks up your brain.
All it does is leave a scar… a beautiful, true, scar…
excessive amounts of alcohol especially at our age can
hinder much needed development. Both are addictions.
Both are very real. People become alcoholics for
attention just as much as self-harm-ers do.
Meh, to angry and upset to write anymore. My headache is
about to engulf me whole. But on a final note, each time a
friend laughs at me, each time a friend leaves me standing
alone, each time a friend pretends I’m happy or ignores my
tears, another echo erodes the happiness in my mind. The
sad part is, at this point, there is almost none left.
Anger, Pain, and Life.
~KT
Shitty metaphor for this diary:
Friendship is like a garden, tend to it through the storms
and harsh times and it will grow into the most beautiful
thing on earth, but ignore it during these times, or even
during the sunny days and this once beautiful garden will
lose its life.

~LATER ON~
Sorry, i'm sure you're sick of reading my shit complaints
by now, but i just thought i'd add this, just incase maybe
someone who cares and is interested comes across it...
My friend and i were discussing me going to therapy
I don't know if it's right for me. I explained to him
that i've felt like this my whole life... how saddness and
music are the only 2 things that haven't been telling me i
was wrong my whole life...and they're the only two things
that have always been there for me, no matter what... he
told me that happiness can be there too... but happiness
won't be there throught my tears, when something goes
wrong, happiness is the first one out the door.

Not that I'm saying people shouldn't go to therapy. I
think there are several of my friends that need it or they
won't be around much longer... i want them to get help so
badly it hurts... anyways... that's all...so you can
breathe out that sigh of relief that it's over and pat
yourself on the back for being a good friend and reading
this fucking shit... hope it made you happy...~KT~


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