just a normal life
2004-02-02 00:58:40 (UTC)

to Julianne

oh gosh... I can't even write all this to explain it...
all i have to say is that we are all hypocrits in this
life... so maybe instead of being mad at one person for
something they did when in fact being guilty of the same
or something a little different, why not forgive, talk
about it, and try to help each other out to avoid the
temptations to realize the problems and to fix them.

And please don't get mad at one person for not standing up
for you in the way you'd like when the person sitting next
to you had done even less to defend you and u can look
past all his flaw.

yea, i have flaw, but I did what I thought was right. I
stood up for you in the most truthful way I could. I
didn't know all the details and it didn't seem like either
of you were being quite fair to each other. I'm sure that
he hurt you and i'm sure that you hurt him. So take it and
save urself from pouring salt on the opened wound. and
realize that its okay to say sorry and realize that you
might be partly at fault. And that even when someone does
something to hurt you, doens't mean that they don't still
love you and still need you as a friend... they just
messed up... we're all humans trapped in a world of sin,
and not that thats a good excuse... but it seems like the

I guess I'm not what you need me to be, maybe I never was.
It seems you need someone who will always tell you you're
right and be 100% on ur side, I'm sorry for once finally
standing up for what I thought was right. and maybe I'm
just not what you need... I tried to be the best friend I
could, I know I messed up a lot.... but did you have to
always blame everything that went wrong on me? And maybe u
didn't, maybe it jsut seems to me like you did. and i'm
sorry if i'm wrong. I just wanted to make things right ...
every time I always appologized to you, tried to make
youfeel better, took the blame... well maybe that was a
lie... or maybe it was just cuz i cared enough about you
to try and keep you from hurt... even though i apparantley
never succeeded.

So if he's what you need now to cater to your needs that u
can forget me... forget all the times we've spent... all
the moments we've shared... all the times that i've needed
you or youve needed me...

At least I can say thank you for the things that you have
done for me. And I can honestly say that I wouldn't be
near the person I am today without you. You kept me from
giving into certaintemptations and building my foundation
on a strong faith and growing in a realtionship with the
One who truly will always be there for me.

And I know that I haven't always been there for you... I
messed up... its true... I'm a person full of sin... but I
hope that u can say that at least you got something out of
our friendship together... but now I leave it up to you to
decided what happens from here... because ican't have you
continue to get mad at me and make me feel yet again like
a piece of crap every week for something new or something
old or something that i don't even think is my fault.

And I know in saying that its hypocritical... I know i've
probly done that to you or other before... and especially
to God... i know i continue to wander away and he always
pulls me back to Him because He is the way, the light, and
the truth...
but I am not that... so I can only try to pull u in every
time u wander away from me for so long before I start to
wonder if maybe thats not how its supposed to be. Maybe
we're supposed to take what we've learned from each other
and move on. I don't know that I necessarily want to. but
I do know that if the only thing we cause each other
anymore is stress and tears then thats not right. Thats
not what a frienship should be... So... I'm sorry for all
that I've done to you... and I'm thankful for all that
you've done for me. I hope that no matter how this
situaton turns out you will continue to grow in you faith
and relationship with God and help others as you have
helped me.

I also want you to know that I will never turn my back
from you or be too far to be reached. I'm always gonna be
here for you and Im far from being mad... just frusterated
and hurt. as i'm sure you are too... and maybe this is
stupid of me to be writing considering i'm sure u'll never
read it... its just kind of the things that I wish i could
say to you knowing that you wouldn't be even more upset
than u already are.

I guess thats it for now... there's a lot more feelings
i'm harboring.. a lot of things that have been building up
from the past... but I don't know if i feel like bringing
up past things just to prove my point to feel like im
justifying things for myself... although maybe they are
important to bring up... so why not i suppose

You think that you are the only one with courage because
ur the only one who is brave enough to bring up the matter
when u have a problem with me.
but is it really so brave when every time i just end up
appologizing to you. Its like you have to know by now deep
down inside that I love you so much that I will always
take the blame and take the fall for whatever it is that u
are mad at me for or for whatever it is that u are upset
about that i willa lways do whatever i can do to make it

also that I stopped bringing things up when I have a
problem or when i feel hurt by you because i know that if
i do alls that will happen is that you will most likely
turn it around on me and get mad at me and say that i did
the same thing to you andt hat i have no right to be
mad... well maybe ur right... and most likely i wasn't
even mad... i just wanted you to know how i felt... but
either way i'd be the one to appologize to you again...
and mabye this is just how it seems to me because im in my
own shoes and not yours... I don't know

All i know is that now it seems like you won't even look
at me in my eyes because u have tha tmuch dislike for me.
Well I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you. But maybe you've
hurt me more than you realize also. And I would never want
to hold that against you... i'm not even mad... I just
don't understand sometimes. Its like I can be replaced so
easily. as if all the times i've been ther efor you and
all the times i've taken the blame for things... and all
the times that i have stood up for you when it seemed like
everyone else was against you... did you stop to think
that maybe if this time I wasn't 100% on your side that
maybe there was a reason?

And I know that in saying all that I'm being unfair... I
know that u have given up a lot of things for me and that
you have stood up for me when it may be hard to stand
against all our friends... but i've done that for you
too... I just want things to go back to how they were

But most of all... whether this is the end of a friendship
or not... I want you to at least know, that the only thing
that matters is the One above... and He loves you and
thinks you are just as beautiful and wonderful as all of
his other creatures... and that you should never think
yourself so much lower than everyone else around you that
u are always the victim. Because Jesus has already made
himself the victim for us. And every time we hurt, he
hurts... and every time we sin... he takes the blame for
us... I could never even compare to Him and I could never
be there nearly as much as He is nor love you that much.
So keep in mind that you should try and make things right
from His point of view... and not yours or anyone else
around you.


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