psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2004-02-02 00:25:20 (UTC)

hm.

something really weird just happened.

at dinner, i thought i was going to puke just thinking
about eating. so im just trying to deal with that.

my mother says, what movie do you want to watch tonight.

i say, i have too much homework, i really dont have time.

shes like, well after that, come on. what about 'the life
of david gale'?

ive been wanting to watch that again since i bought it and
shes never seen it... but i really dont have time.

and im like yeah, you might like it, i dont know.. dad
wont.

why?

cus hes too closeminded to appreciate it.

why do you say that? bob, do you believe in capital
punishment?

fuck yes.

you think they should just fucking fry, right? me too.

--im just trying to make myself eat something today. thats
my top priority. i already know how they feel. i dont
want to discuss it, now or ever.--

better yet, they should hang in front of the courthouse
downtown for weeks, until you can smell them from here, so
all the niggers who walk by and see them will think twice.

--im going to fucking puke, people, please just stop--

what do you think adrienne? or do you think we should pay
for these fucking niggers who kill people to go live in
their country club 'prisons'??

i dont want to talk about this.

IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK??

--jesus christ. im just not going to speak.--

dont ignore me. dont sit there and ignore me. what about
ABORTION? what do you think about that? tell me again how
you're FOR abortion.

yeah, exactly, im FOR it. i think everyone should fucking
have one. jesus christ.

what do you think, bob?

its too bad they cant be done retroactively.

...........................

and i did throw up. not before i got up calmly and carried
my almost full plate to the sink, all the while
hearing 'come back here and sit down! we're having a family
discussion! dont walk away from me!!'

are you fucking serious.

sometimes its hard to believe that im living this.

like last night, when i told her i was going to cry, out of
nowhere, i was scared, but i was so drunk i didnt care, and
i had been fighting it for an hour, she didnt even.. i
would think she'd be surprised, knowing me as little as she
does. but she just said, 'i know.' like. i dont know.
if you fucking know, then fucking do something for me.

i dont know. they dont really hurt me anymore, i guess. i
dont even care. sometimes i just feel like i cant feel
anything. like nothing can affect me anymore.

like if caroline said, look, i was lying, i have been
fucking diana every night for the past 6 months that ive
said i havent. i would be like. okay. not surprised.
not jealous. not anything.

if matt said, you havent been around enough for awhile now,
and i actually have been seeing this girl and im in love
with her. i would not be surprised. i would not be
jealous. i would not cry.

of course, if caroline says 'it didnt work out because you
were always all about him', i will go absolutely nuts and
want to die.

so maybe theres something in me thats wired backwards.

i dont really care. i just dont really want to live like
this anymore. and its been this way for so long that i
dont know how else to do it.