cruel intentions
2004-02-01 08:28:02 (UTC)

hell month

oh, man...

this month has been hell for me. and no i'm not trying to
join a fraternity. hmm, where to start? i guess i could
start in the eve of new year.

this is all about my fiancee, my daughter and my lovelife.
it's all fu*ked up!

new year's eve: me and my family and my parents as well
spend new year's eve at my cousin's house. it was pretty
lame as all we did was eat and sing karaoke - sober!

after the countdown passed by, my fiancee, olga and i
decided it was time to go home. i wanted to have sex with
her just as a new year thing but she had other plans. she
wanted me to drop her off at her friend's house to party.
without me for that matter - because i have to be home with
the baby! and by the way, i am the guy in this relationship.

so i gave in. i dropeed her off and said "happy new year"
in a bitter voice. i drove home with my daughter carrying a
heavy heart. as you can see, these issues have a deeper
history than it seems.

i had a serious talk with olga. we were in the bedroom.
this talk surfaced because of the increasingly serious
issues rearding my feelings towards olga going out so late
at night for many nights and most of the time during
weekends; she doesn't even come home until afternoon the
next day. she comes in dazed, red-eyed and oddly enough as
i can recall it, from the past 3 weeks before new year's
eve, the first thing she would do is her laundry.

i started thinking - with my paranoid and psychoanalytic
nature - that she may be cheating on me. i have onfronted
her on these concerns to no avail because of the tone i
present and the "confrontational" and blunt nature of my

those feelings subsided into a more serious negative
feeling: doubt as well as jealousy. the trust levels were
going lower.

well, back to the 12th of january. we talked i asked her in
a straightforward manner if she would like me to stay or
move out. she couldn't decide. tis was a very big dead end
for me as i hate it when there is no decision made. it's
not hot nor cold!

the conversation ended in tears and the sub-decision that i
would stay.

my daughter gets into an accident.

i left late in the morning to go to school. at about 11am.
olga ws still in bed. i get tyo school and do my exam doing
a surprising 88%! then i talk to my instructor to converse
with him regarding my mistakes in the exam. he tells me
there's an urgent call for me.

i call olga up and in a frantic voice, she tells me that
maya had fallen own the stairs. i was in a panick. i asked
jher how my daughter was doing. i asked if she was able to
walk, move her fingers, or her neck. olga said yes. maya
had hurt her arm and got a few bruises.

we quickly took her to the children's hospital. i never
blamed her for the accident - for the record.

we came back home, i missed the rest of the day at school
and she missed work.

maya had to get a cast. a red one for that matter.

olga went to work today. maya is at her grandparents as
usual and some weird thing occured in the morning. i woke
up to her dressing up and getting ready for work.

i woke up and complemented her in my own way: "why u all
dressed up?" she then blatantly ignores the intended
complement and responds defensively with: "i'm not dressed
up!" all i meant was that she looked very pretty.

this was a clue to what was to happen....