psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
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2004-02-01 07:24:27 (UTC)

idontavertmyeyes [2:04 AM]: i..

idontavertmyeyes [2:04 AM]: i wish you were here
LaDiDaGrl [2:04 AM]: so do i.
idontavertmyeyes [2:04 AM]: im drunk
LaDiDaGrl [2:04 AM]: so am i.
idontavertmyeyes [2:04 AM]: you should be here
idontavertmyeyes [2:05 AM]: i could make you feel loved
LaDiDaGrl [2:05 AM]: you think?
idontavertmyeyes [2:05 AM]: mhmm
idontavertmyeyes [2:05 AM]: but yeah its bed time
idontavertmyeyes [2:05 AM]: night dear
LaDiDaGrl [2:05 AM]: love you.
idontavertmyeyes [2:06 AM]: love you too.
LaDiDaGrl [2:06 AM]: love you the most.
idontavertmyeyes [2:06 AM]: =)
idontavertmyeyes [2:06 AM]: not more than i love you
idontavertmyeyes [2:06 AM]: 3
idontavertmyeyes [2:06 AM]: night beautiful girl
.....................................................

i do love her.

i love her for a million reasons. mostly, in my vanity, i
love her for loving me. for loving me for who i am, not in
spite of who i am like everyone else.

claudia absolutely blew me away today. i cant get it off
my mind.

the other night, the night i lost it, the low point of this
entire endless caroline issue... i was so drunk i couldnt
sit up, and she came and picked me up. and she was
amazing, i always cry over losing her, but i didnt,
because when i really need her, shes there. my lips are
numb. focus. so she was there. and i was telling her, in
more detail than ive told anyone, that my doctors say i
wont have children. and she said 'its an opportunity,
adrienne.' blahdeblahdeblah. yes, i know that. i know i
could love a little baby from an adoption agency just as
much as my own. but its the shattered dream thats the
point.

so last night she called me at like 230 am, and i was
passed out, i was really sick... and so today i made myself
eat a salad and a piece of fish, and i didnt throw it up,
and then i went to the art store and spent $70 on paint and
paper and shit, and i had it all in my hands, thinking,
okay if spending money does it for me, at least something
does, and painting makes me happy anyway, so this is okay,
trying to be stable inside this huge art store thats all
the way out on the east side of town, in the pouring rain,
trying to rationalize, trying to stabilize, trying to make
it okay or at least pretend, and she called again.

and i was like hey, can i call you back.
no, you dont have to.. i just wanted to tell you something.
yeah, okay?
i was just thinking last night, i'd have a baby for you.
you know. everyone thought we were sisters anyway. and i
would do that for you.

and right there in the middle of the store i dropped all my
cans of paint and started crying.

and i felt bad, because i tried for a minute not to, so i
was like "oh.. thats sweet. thanks. can i call you
later.' cus i thought, i cant do it, i can not look like a
nut in public and cry in the fucking paint store. cus i
felt the tears coming, but i couldnt hold it back.

it was the nicest thing anyone has said to me since i can
remember.

and i just thought, someone loves me. this was out of the
blue, catching me off guard, not just something she said
goofily cus we were talking about it. it meant a lot to
me. i love her to death.


and i came home then, and i tried painting something i was
trying to do for caroline for her birthday and i couldnt do
it i just got angry inside, and so i started drinking, and
drank all night, ended up going and getting sushi at 1230
at night cus i wanted it..

and i told my mother tonight, he was in the bathroom, and i
said, im going to cry. i couldnt hold it back anymore.
and she was drunk too, and she just looked at me and said,
i know baby.

and i think she does, she does know. but.. then what. i
dont know.

i remember when we were in tallahassee, and she really hurt
my feelings. i was going on and on about how fsu was not
my kind of school, and she kept saying, well maybe.. and i
got frustrated and i was like i just dont like it, okay!
and she was like "well i would be so proud if you were an
fsu graduate." and i was like. oh. well how about you
fucking be proud that im an ANYWHERE fucking graduate.

how about you just fucking be proud.

that im not fucking addicted to drugs or institutionalized
or in jail or any of the other things that i could very
easily fucking be??

how about you fucking be proud that i have goals and
ambitions for myself in spite of everything else?

how about you be proud that i havent killed myself yet??

and i wanted to call her so bad, and tell her im sorry, im
sorry im such a bitch, im sorry i ask for so much. but im
not. because all i want to do is love her but she wont let
me. and no matter what i did wrong back then, that makes
her no better than anyone else who has hurt me. and that
knowledge alone breaks my heart.

...........................................
Don't bother trying to explain Angel
I know exactly what goes on when you're on and
How about I'm outside of your window
You're such a sucker for a sweet talker

the only thing that I regret is that I never let you hold
me back

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you never loved me

Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?
Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?

And all of this was all your fault

I stay jealous
I stay wrecked and jealous for this for this simple reason
I just need to keep you in mind
as something larger than life

she'll destroy us all before she's through
and find a way to blame somebody else...
.............................................


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