ObsidianButterfly

Guilty Pleasures
2004-01-31 02:18:44 (UTC)

My two Masters

Some people are going to see that title and go "She's
nuts". Some people will read this journal entry, and some
prior ones and think "She's insane" or "You're going to
hell, girl." It's okay if you think that. It's nothing I
haven't heard before.

I've never written about John or James or my relationship
with them. I've wanted to do so, but sometimes there are
things in our lives that we aren't quite sure about how to
share and so we keep it in and we never let it out. John
died last August. James passed away last Friday morning.
Yes, they were life partners. No, they did not die of AIDS
or anything even HIV related. Let me tell you about my two
Masters. Yes, I said that correctly. James, the oldest at
35, was a Dom. He met John, who was 31 when he died, when
John was about 25. They'd been together ever since. They
were both bi-sexual, although James tended to stay with
guys more so than with girls. I met John when I was 28,
almost 29. We worked together about two weeks before I
noticed the tattoo on his left shoulder. It was a Cat
O'Nines situated within a collar. He belonged to James.
John is what you call a switch. He can be a Dom or a
submissive. He was submissive to James but Dominant with
women... with me. I knew the first time we went out that
he was what I'd been looking for. I met James for the
first time after John and I had gone out for about two
months. James came to the theatre where John and I worked.
He took one walk around me very slowly then leaned over to
John and said, "You never said she was a natural. You also
never said she was so obvious or beautiful." He meant I
was a natural submissive and that nature was obvious to
practiced Dom's. So, James invited me home with them one
night. Life after that was perfect.

In March of 2003, John was beaten and assaulted outside an
alternative club by four guys who didn't like gays. They
said they did it because they didn't like the people he
hung around. Namely people like James. John never really
recovered. He spent 8 weeks in the hospital. He came home
in mid-June. We never left him alone. Someone was always
with him. In early August, one night, I was working late
and James was at home with John. They went to sleep. I
went home around 1am. John had taken all of his
painkillers. He was dead. His body may have healed, but
his heart and his mind never did. We buried him a week
later.

Three weeks ago, James went out of town with a young man
he'd recently taken in for training. He went out to the
store late one night after it had been raining. He was in
a wreck and had to be cut out of the vehicle. He never
regained consciousness. Last Friday, we took him off life
support and let him go.

I know that, somewhere, he and John are together again, as
they should be. I mourn them both, but I am a better
person because I had them in my life. It still hurts, the
loss, but it doesn't hurt as much as it would if I'd been
left alone.

I do have a new Master. After John's death, James
determined he could not be my Master and we parted ways.
Although we still would get together from time to time, he
wasn't my full time Master. My new Master collared me
three months after John's death. I have peace with that.
He is a wonderful man who knew John and James very well.
James liked him, approved of him 100%. That makes it
easier as well. I'm in good hands.

So, why write about all of this now? Because I can't mourn
any longer. I can miss them, I can love them and I can
think about them every day, but I can't mourn them
forever.

They are together.
I hope I make them proud.




Ad: