mdmbttrfly

Charlotte
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2004-01-30 09:13:58 (UTC)

My first entry

Date: 1/30/04 4:00am
Music: Dido. Life for Rent
Prevailing Mood: Confused
I have finally been caught in the web journals. Today is
the first time i am giving up the struggle against you,
Charlotte. My journals topics and feelings will be all
over, as my prevailing trait is probably indecisivness. I
am giving in because I am getting scared and tired of not
sleeping. I find myself at a crossroad and dont know what
to do. I am deeply in love with Chris. I am about to
graduate in a few months. I have the option to move up
there and pursue him and possibly a lesser career, or go
overseas with the peace corp and do what i have wanted for
years. The problem is do i look for jobs only in Dc or
should i look elsewhere, can i really and honestly move
somewhere for a guy? Is there only one man for me? I am
more and more often thinking there is only one. I always
swore i would never do anything like moving somewhere for
a man. He told me he might be able to move somewhere for
me and be ableto picka job where he would be able to be
flexible. I can no longer burden Chris with the weight of
my feelings, I was going to write him about all my
feelings but cant bear the thought of what he might
think. I know he is in love with me heart and soul but
there are so many things going on right now and i am so
indecisive that i mean these things but get so angry at
myself for feeling them that at times I regret telling him
how i feel. I can not imagine my life without him and
nothing could ever compare to the way he makes me feel and
think. I love myself when i am around him, he makes me
want things that i have never wanted in my life. Children
at the top of that list. He makes me want to have his
children. Something that is a testimony to al that i feel
for him, the problem is that he doesnt/didnt want
children. Can I be with him if i am not even dating him
and i think about children. This means that i have fallen
for him bad as i have never wanted children during my
entire life.
Incidentaly i am dating another guy right now and he
is dating someone else also. We decided that there was no
reason to be lonely and miserable for the last year of
school. This othe guy is a really great guy. He is very
nice although we clash on all the big issues, we get along
on the whole very well. I dont believe i have ever had so
much fun with one other person. We have been dating for
almost 3 years, he isnt looking for anything serious so
that is how this has managed to go. He wont say "i love
you" to anyone but the woman he is going to marry and i
wont have sex with anyone but the man i marry so up to
this point things have worked out. Well i am finally
getting tired so i am going to stop for tonight and pick
up sometime next week, as i go away to Anthony's apartment
over the weekends. There are so many things to tell you.


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