Broken hearted Lesbian

my life, my hell
2004-01-29 02:38:18 (UTC)

i am not an angry grrrl, but lately it seems like i got everyone fooled

i saw my grrl today...it was nice to be able to at least
get lost in her eyes. sux that we cant tell her mother
which means, no physical contact. so all night i had to
look at the most gorgeous grrl and couldnt touch her. but
hey, i got to see her!

i have been really off. i think people are beginning to
notice. judy and julie wont get off my case about it. and
sonya is constantly asking me whats wrong. i dont really
have a direct answer to whats going on. is it marc? is it
right of me to hate seeing her or even hearing her talk
about being with someone else yet have someone else in my
arms?? i thought there was an unspoken code of friendship
that says you arent supposed to date your friends ex's. i
might be able to handle it better if i didnt know who the
other grrl was. then i wouldnt have visuals. its hard to
be in love with someone thats not the person i promised
eternity to 8 months back.

sonyas started talking about marriage. why does that scare
me so damn much? its great...but its only been 19 days. a
long 19 days with the whole accident n shit. it just seems
way way soon. i havent really even thought about spending
the rest of my life with anyone person. after marcie
started dating jess, i pretty much have up on love ya
know? i thought i had it and gave it up. but i got it all
back. i have a grrl who loves me with her whole heart. so
why do i see myself pushing her away? *sigh* not
understanding myself...

im facing suspension/expulsion for something i didnt even
do. grrr. stupid homophobic assholes. i guess i cornered
some grrl in the bathroom and asked her to go out on a
date and tried to kiss her or something. you know me.
random straight chicks. yumm. what the fuck is that? it
happens to me every fucking year. grrr

once again proof i am no longer important to marcie. we
had plans for tomorrow. since monday we have been planning
to go out for coffee or whatever. she just just blew me
off to go out with her mom. fuck her is all i have to
fucking say. fuck her. im done.

its so addicting. the slice of the blade...you have no
idea...

~Jeni




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