Sadistmaria

felicity womb
2004-01-26 22:27:42 (UTC)

Regression

Why is it so typical to be misunderstood?!?! As if it’s
the density of our lives to screw and be screwed!!! As if
tolerance is an outlaw… What ever did happen to open-
mindedness….?!?! So tired of people getting me wrong…why
am I such a twit? Seriously, it should be illegal to give
birth to children like me, since we hold no hope for the
future, but rather are like stink bombs…I feel so
mortified!!!

Why am I so ignorant?!? But its true, most fools think
they are only ignorant…yet I am also like an obtuse angle…
I am so enraged with my identity!!!

Why am I so blind and stubborn ?!?! Why can’t I accept
assistance from those who actually ARE willing to help??!!
Whats the point of hiding away, thinking that I would be
able to fake it and play it cool as often as I want to!!
Whats the need for this superficial vacuum??? Is all this
the result of simply wanting to remain secret and not
disturb anyone, or is it the effect of wanting to keep a
silly pride?? Whats the motive? Why does it matter so
much….I shouldn’t be humiliated for what I am..for how I
feel…why do I have a fear of someone seeing me cry?!?

Why, why why……

I do want help…don’t want to be a sealed bag anymore…

But doesn’t it sometimes feel as if you have been
screaming so hard that your vocal cords are on fire…you
couldn’t care less and you are willing to let in those who
are truly feeling you…you cry out to them…about ALL…you
are so drained of faking it…you let the bag of emotions
burst…but after all is over…and you think you have said it
all, you suddenly realize that all this time you mouth was…
CLOSED!!! That it was all you mind…tricking you…or you
tricking it…Why is it so hard sometimes to say what you
want..?!?

I don’t know whats the point…I don’t want to be hurt and
equally hurt the ones that I treasure only too much…but I
think such has already been succeeded, since I have
conducted...and keep on conducting pain to someone that
even love would be too weak of a word to describe…and why
does it have to be this way…I hope I will be forgiven…

My thoughts of the moment are over…I better sleep, before
I make even a bigger mess…

My only wish is to please my toughest critic-myself…and to
have the skill to show the real appreciation for the ones…
especially the ONE ..who keeps me alive…

self-realization…




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