iron kitten

My Life
2004-01-26 01:22:01 (UTC)

Re-Living My Teen Years

I am re-living my teen years as I read these diaries. I was
there *meaning I can relate to what I read, no matter what
age the writer is*. I think I am back there now. It's
helping me to not lose my mind today. Why am I still a fuck up?

I never felt I belonged. I never felt that I belonged in my
family. I always felt invisible. I still do, sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank goodness for friends! Snot stopped by and brought me
a pack of cigs. I'll be ok if it snows, but then again, I
also ended up getting beer with my remaining funds. Broke
again. But I'll survive for NOW. The present. What is
that saying?
You can't live in the past and you can't
live in the future, but you can live NOW
because that is why they call it the PRESENT.

I don't even think I am living sometimes. I am just
existing. Time has stood still for me. I may be over the
"hill" (40 years old) but I still feel like I am a teen. I
am lucky, I still LOOK like a teen (ok, on the good days).
my 5' 1" frame helps. My parents still have such a hold on
me. I couldn't talk to my dad till I was 25 without
breaking into tears (torrents).

That ass knows how to push my buttons. I ~know~ it's only
cause he sees his own weaknesses through me, but geez! give
me a frickin' break! What's that last thing he said around
X-mas? Something like, "well, if you get a job we'll love
you again?"
How lame is that? Mother-f'R

I hate foul language, although it has it's merits. When we
were young, we just wouldn't, couldn't cuss in the house, so
my younger bro, "Lil Bro" and I would see who could come up
with the "bigger" word when we were upset.... of couse, Lil
Bro always won. He has the brains of the family. It DID
help our vocabulary. I found out later that he used to read
the dictionary, daily.

Lil Bro made college a job. Became a resident assistant and
lived on campus free while working and finishing his degree,
of which he must have had a zillion before he finally
managed (final decision from doctoer to something, to
finally chemical engineering). Has two degress, chemical
engineering, then in his 30's he became a patent attorney.
But I found out his secret.

more, later. ~peace~




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