2004-01-25 17:46:40 (UTC)

woman with no head

i got so unbelievably wasted last night. ritas bday. i
cried. maya said 'remember when the finnertys always used
to cry' why are we so fucked up? i wanted julie. i didnt
have a reason to cry. i didnt want anyone to look at me. i
stood in the food closet looking at canned goods, dry
pasta. i wanted to kill myself. in the car, i wanted to
jump out and run run run throw myself in front of a car.
kinda like the 13 years old thing. i saw the lonliness and
pain and that it never ends.
but i know thats only one way to look at it.
its just i feel so tired sometimes. im lonely sad
directionless. i want to pop painkillers everyday. i just
dont wanna be here
thats not even true. i just feel like shit with all the
drinking. i was worried about marco. that set me off. i was
stressed. emotional. why i hate being a woman sometimes.
its ok its ok
like i told julie for teaching
pretend you have confidence until you actually get some.