tbqb12

my stupid mouth
2004-01-24 20:49:17 (UTC)

we gotta get out of this place

if it's the last thing we ever do.

i never thought that at 17 years old, i would have money
problems. these "problems" are not helped by the fact that
i am addicted to spending. i can usually curb the
temptation to spend, but i had all that christmas money
just sitting at home...and by now, a lot of it is gone. at
first, i wasn't having trouble making car/insurance
payments. and i had enough for gas, too. come to think of
it, i've only made one month's worth of payments. i am
dreading the last friday of the month...and that's coming
up this week! if our hours hadn't been cut at sears, and
if the dog groomer's didn't start to lose business during
the winter, i'd be all set. but i figured out that if i
keep getting the same amount of hours that i am now at both
places, i won't even make enough to pay for my car. that
doesn't include gas or any other thing i would need money
for. and i can't just stop living because of it. i hate
taking money out of my savings account, but i guess i will
soon have no choice. hopefully, i'll start getting more
hours soon. i hadn't been extremely worried about this,
but then, as i was driving to blockbuster to return a movie
and comtemplating going to brooks to get some stuff that i
want/need, it hit me. i decided against going to brooks
and i regretted wasting the gas to go drop off the movie.

the thing is, i hate when people complain about not having
enough money. i guess it's mainly adults because i see
people spending money and then complaining about not having
enough, and i'm like, "then why the heck are you spending
money unnecessarily?" but i suppose now i'm doing the same
thing! i was actually trying to think if i had anything at
home that i could return, but i've either used/worn
everything or i don't have a receipt.

i hate when adults tell me, "at least you'll be prepared
for the real world" because i'm used to paying for
everything myself. but i think that i would just rather
have my parents support me completely like most of my
friends' parents, and then i'll worry about paying when i
have to. my mom actually had the nerve to say something to
me yesterday like, "and all those times i've paid for your
gas?" she must've been trying to make me feel guilty about
something. but she has never, ever given me gas money!
the only time anyone paid for gas to put in a car i was
driving was when it was their own car. and i didn't use
that much gas anyway. and sometimes i even put gas in with
my own money if the need arose. so she can not say that to
me. i let her know it, and she tried to win the battle,
but i refused to let her. and i guess i did end up
winning...this time anyway.

my mom's whole thing about my dad splitting the cost of
everything with her has only worked to my disadvantage. i
end up feeling too guilty to ask him for his half, and it
shouldn't be my job to do that. come to think of it, it
shouldn't have been my job for the past 7 years. i usually
pay his half. but i think i might need to ask him for his
half of my emerson application fee if i want to meet my
payment date this friday. i can't do that, though. he's
taking me out to dinner tonight. (a perfect example of my
spending-money-you-don't-have theory)

so as much as i complain about not being able to pay for
things, i hate to be sympathized with/pitied for it. the
only people's pity i want is my parents', mainly my
mother's. i doubt that will ever happen. she's making
a "resposibile, independent" adult out of me. funny how
she can "care" so much after she made this comment to me
the other night: "for someone who gets such good grades,
you'r pretty damn stupid." i honestly have a case for
years of verbal abuse. i could win this thing, man. i
considered making a little poster out of that comment and
hanging it on the bulletin board in my room so that when i
don't feel motivated, i can look at it and think, "that's
why i have to do such and such." maybe i don't have the
most common sense, but my "book smarts," as she calls them,
will get me a lot farther than any amount of common sense
she or ken has (because he was in on this, too and agreed
with her). i didn't say much for the rest of the night
after she said that, and when she asked if i could go
online to find some things to do on our vacation this
summer, i said, " i don't know. i might be too stupid for
that." no response, but what did i expect?




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