The Darkness Within

Dancing Nude
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2004-01-24 19:23:15 (UTC)

So It Has Come To This

Well, today was a interesting turn of events. My husband
decides to thank me for everything that I do for him and
little guy everyday by paying me a WEEKLY "salary" if you
will, of $35.00. Now, I have mixed feelings on the issue.
You see, the initial thought running through my head is
that what I do ( which is absolutely everything but wipe
his A#!)is worth a hell of a lot more than a mere $35.oo
dollars a week, the second is " Great, I already feel like
the hired help, now I am actually one step away from being
the maid..all I need is a dress!" . Now, I know that in
some warped way he thinks that this is a nice way of him
thanking me for all that I do. He gives me some money, I
can do with it what I like,..(go buy a maids dress
perhaps?), but I know myself well enough to know, that I
will simply end up spending it on the family. Not that
that is by any means the point, after all it is my choice
to do so. I guess that I just feel a bit nerved that I
have been brought to the level of menial sub-par
existance. I guess that I am more upset with myself than
anything else. It's bad enough when everyone that has ever
known you is dissapointed in you for throwing away your
potential, but it's even worse when you feel the same damn
way! I mean, I can't lie, I made some pretty damn horrible
decsiions in the past ( as do many ) and am now just going
with what I have to work on. Any job that I would be
qualified to do ( other than working at a local gas mart)
is in the city. The nearest city is a few hours
away...well, if you want to consider it a city...the
closest "real" one is roughly six hours away. So, not to be
one that gives up easily I am now enrolling in Web Design
classes online. I already know basically everything that I
need to in order to be a web designer, that said, I am
certified in Computer Information Systems ( which covered
Web design and internet ), but it would aid in my job
search if I were certified in Web Design specifically. I
figure that this way I can even start my own business from
home ( seeing as I still have to be here with my son all
day and night). Perfect job, right? Other than the fact
that I have to pay some organization to give me a pretty
piece of paper stating that I am knowledgable in an area
that I already am prior to taking the lessons. I won't be
petty though. After all, I am trying to be optimistic.The
only time to take said classes is late night, after my son
goes to sleep. Also the time that I need to get the house
back into some sort of working order. After which, my
husband comes home, tosses sh$! all over, and makes himself
something to eat, thus dirtying the dishes that I just
washed. I go to bed, we have breakfast, I do dishes, we
have lunch, I do dishes, baby goes to sleep..I clean the
mess that has become my house again. Husband empties out
his lunch pail, I have dishes..he goes to work, and I clean
yet again. This is driving me to the brink of insanity!
Orion had actualy offered at one point in time to buy me a
maid for a day..he's always thinking of sweet things like
that...perhaps it's because he is a Virgo.

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