polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-01-24 02:13:10 (UTC)

heart monitor

iiiiiiiiiiii did it again. i shouldn't have, i broke
promises to myself and my friends...but i couldn't stop
myself. i was yelling at myself, while i was doing it, to
stop it because i wasn't only hurting myself-i was going to
hurt other people.

god everything just got so screwed up. i couldn't stop
myself this time. i was about to get on the computer to
chat and my dad asked me if i had anything better to do. i
said, "well...i could go watch tv, i guess." he didn't go
for it. sorry your kid's a loser, pal. so he sighed at me,
that pathetic old man sigh, loud and long and hinting "god,
i'm so ashamed of you..." it was discouraging to i just
pouted and slunk down in my chair. dad sighed...again...and
said, "ugh, i'm going to go think about my life for a
minute"

at that point, i just lost it. i staggered into the
bathroom and locked the door. i rummaged around in the
drawers for anything. anything sharp. i stopped,

han, you shouldn't do this! you can't do this! you promised
a lot of people you weren't going to do this ever again!
think about what the consequences are going to be...

then, someone who wasn't me clenched a sharp pin tightly in
her fist and stabbed angrily at my arm. she then sobbed and
padded over to the tub, she slumped down to the tub and
curled into a ball and cried until her face was red and
drenched with tears. she moaned, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
god, i'm so sorry".

it wasn't me.

i got a haircut today. it's pretty adorable. i
actually look really wierd, it's a HUGE change. i wanted
just a few inches off, maybe 2 or 3...she cut like half an
inch off - so i asked her to take a bit more off...she
hacked off like 5 inches. my hair is now shoulder lenth, it
was down to my ribs before. it's cute though, a big
difference but i don't hate it. sometimes change is good?
maybe?

at this point, i'm really wishing some things would change.
my relationship, for example. i get ignored, in public
anyway. when we're alone it's arms around shoulders,
holding hands, and ____________________________ fill in
the blank ;) but when we're at school or around basically
any other human form, it's like i've turned invisible. it's
like he's standing right next to me...but he's still a
million miles away. it's really depressing. his hugs are
getting weaker, our conversations are getting duller, and
he doesn't even acknowledge me when either one of us enters
a room (or if we're outside...yeah...). it mades me so MAD!
so i asked my friend to talk to him, but he refused to
accept it. he didn't want to call me or anything to try the
least bit to make everything right again. i swear it. i sit
right across from him at lunch and all he does is talk to
everyone else around him BUT me. it's really sad, and it
makes me sad. i've felt lately like i have no one - my
friends just yell at me and tell their other friends that i
complain too much and whatnot. i'm definitely not going to
talk to my parents, i just want them to leave me alone. so
i feel like there's no one i can go to in times i really
need someone, and i can't talk to him. he'd just argue and
tell me i should be happy cause i'm such a woooooooonderful
person. IM NOT GOING TO THINK IM A BEAUTIFUL GIRL JUST
BECAUSE YOU TELL ME SO. are you my reassurence? no. no,
you're not. i hate myself for a reason, a reason, "but
you're hott" isn't going to solve.

i know he means well, he's never had a crazy gal like me. i
know he'd much wrather have a beautiful country girl
complete with accent and flannel. i know he'd prefer a girl
who is more softspoken, taller, tanner, smarter, and a
soccer playin' star wars lovin' freak. i am NONE of those
things! i don't have that thick of a southern accent, i
don't own one piece of flannel, i'm loud, short, pale, a
dumbass, and i'm awful at soccer and wouldn't understand
star wars even if it were an abstract painting. i'm like
the ideal girl NOT to date. i'm a tough cookie, he's never
had to date anyone like me. his old girlfriend was tall,
actually whiter than me but she was still pretty (though i
still think she looks like a frog, but maybe i'm just
bitter), a cheerleader, has an accent thick as hell (not so
much southern as a fake/white girl ebonics type thing with
the stress on the r's in girrrrrl), has no dreams of being
an artist and moving away, she was loud but in a quiet way
(...i guess...?...) and i could tell by looking at him that
he really liked her.

i look in his eyes and i don't see even remotely the same
spark he used to get. it makes me so sad. i know i'm not
the kind of girl he wants, but this is who i am. i can't
change myself for anyone, and if he doesn't like me for me
then as much as i'd hate to, i'd have to let him go. he's
so nice to me, so sweet, he treats me right. he understands
me, for the most part, and he always knows how to make me
smile. he really does make me happy. i like him so much, i
don't know what i'd do if i lost him. i want to talk to
him, tell him what i'm feeling, but what if he gets rid of
me cause i'm too complicated? what if i'm too much of a
hastle? i tried to be easy going. i tried not to make the
same mistakes. am i really that much of a pain? i don't
want to be. i just want him to like me :/ is that too much
to hope for?

today, i got to school a little late, everyone was already
walking to homeroom. i saw him coming my way so i walked a
little faster, his ex was right behind him. she called his
name and started talking (yelling) to him. he turned around
and COMPLETELY passed me up. i stood there like an idiot,
my face turning bright pink. i wanted to crawl into the
nearest drain and never come back out. his friend
yelled, "dude, there's your ACTUAL girlfriend" and he
turned around and faced me. my face had to have given away
my mood. he looked a little sorry, but i wasn't given the
impression that he really realized what he'd done. i
seriously seriously felt like crying, just bursting into
tears right in front of him and making him know what i was
going through because of him. it's not all his fault, i
know i'm making it seem that way. it's my fault too. we're
just unexperienced. four months and 20 days, that's a lot
to take in. he gave me a limp hug and hurried to catch up
with the group. i stood there horrified for a minute then
padded away to my class. i don't think i've ever felt so
horrible in my whole life.

i asked him the other day. i asked him if he missed her,
missed being with her. he told me yeah. yeah, he did. why?
oh nothing...no reason...i was just wondering because i
know i'm losing you, i'm waiting for MY heart monitor to
stop beating because that's how i know when i've lost YOU.

i'm just waiting for it...expecting it...maybe if i know
it's coming, it won't hit me as hard. maybe i won't even
fall down. when he decides he wants her back, when i'm too
crazy or demanding, when he decides she's better than me
*which i bet he already decided a long time ago* and
decides to go back with her, maybe i won't be hurt as much.
i don't want to think about it, the knives that'll stab my
heart will hurt more than any blade has ever hurt my arm.
i'll have been steamrolled into the cement. i guess i'm
trying to prepare myself, because i know it's coming. i'm
like packing an evacuation bag so when the earthquake
starts and shatters me, i can run to safer ground - i
just...don't know where that is yet...


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