jessica ryan

venting machine
2004-01-22 05:46:55 (UTC)

happy birthday to me!

since i have 0 friends here so far i thought i would be my
own best friend and congratulate myself on being 21. yay
for me! par-tay! rock and rollie pollie ollie! actually,
i think that taylot and britton have a little something
something planned for me. nothing like being the third
wheel on your own birthday dinner night! j/k i love them.
they make each other better. i never knew tay was that
weird, but it's fun. i eat at night with them in the caf
and it's great because it's like dinner and a show. super
entertaining stuff. i'm so glad to know britton better...
except when he introduces me to boys wearing aviator
glasses. now i have no chance at being cool like them and
joining their aviator glasses club. sigh.
anyway, here i am, 21, wow.... 21. my mom is so old.
hehe. this is seriously weird though. once i told my
grandma that i thought that 22 was a good age to get
married at. i've changed my mind. 24 sounds okay.
yeah.... or 26? hmmm... you know, i think that the best
age is the one that the Lord decides... yes, great idea,
jessica.
tonight i talked to bob online. he's awesome. he likes a
girl but i can't say who because it's on the "DL", yo.
anyway, if it were common to have men be the maid of
honor... he would be mine. he's so nice. i'm glad that he
still talks to me, he's really dan's friend, but mine too.
i'm glad he's not one of those people who thinks that the
friends have to separate in a break up, if you know what i
mean. he rocks.
sigh... tonight i went out for dinner with my small group
and it was pretty okay. it started out not so happy
though. girls are funny because they love talking about
guys and sometimes, lots of times, we get more excited
about boys then we do about the Lord. anyway, they asked
what men we have in our lives... everyone shared about some
guy i don't know and i was the last one. i said Jesus of
course, but then i told them about dan and how it was hard
and how i'm glad for this time to get things right and i'm
not really looking for a relationship. if i don't find
one, i won't be dissappointed. if i do find one, i won't
be dissappointed then either. i believe that God does know
what He's doing. i believe He is totally good and only
wants what's good for me. what's good for me doesn't
always have to feel good and i'm pretty excited about
that.
i love life... i hate it and i'll be glad to be done with
it... but i really love it. i love being able to feel hurt
because it makes me so much more excited for a place with
no hurt. can you fathom what heaven will feel like?! i
think it will be exhilerating, like a roller coaster or
like talking to someone you like about how they like you
too. i think it will feel exciting like when you get to go
see your favorite band play or like when you see a friend
that you've been missing for a long time. it will feel
peaceful, like when you know you have all of your mounds of
homework done or maybe like the way you feel when you
restored a broken relationship with a family member. i
think it will feel safe, like when you have all your
blankets and the hall light is turned on, or like when my
dad his gun under his car seat (he's a cop, he can do
that).
and what will it look like?! it will be more beautiful
than a californian sunset or a japanese sunrise. more
beautiful than my beloved car "gregory" (who died in a
tragic auto accident). more beautiful than my mom and my
sisters. more beautiful than all the poppies that come in
the spring in tehachapi. more beautiful than when the fall
leaves blow accross the streets in santa clarita.
what will it sound like i wonder?! this one amazes me...
it will sound better than switchfoot. hard to believe, i
know, but i think that there will be voices more beautiful
than jonathan foreman's... amazing. it will sound sweeter
than children singing and fuller than laughter. and more
beautiful than switchfoot... wow.
taste like? well, i don't know if we'll eat there. but if
we do, it will be better than any japanese food you've ever
had. yummy! better than oreo's, better than melon soda,
and better than inn and out burgers (animal style of
course). it will melt in your mouth better than m and m's
or krispy creme donuts.
what will it smell like? better than orange feilds...
definatly better than bakersfeild because even cowpoop
smells better than bakersfeild. better than the ocean mist
and the smell of a boy with awesome calogne on. better
than clean baby and better than the sweet warm smell of
california summers.
i'm still stuck though on how it will feel. can you
imagine communing with God? can you imagine being in His
presense? yes, i'm terrified, but i'm also so excited.
the best feelings i have here can't compare. the deepest
love i've shared with someone will pale. the appreciation
and awe i will feel... wow.
how can i wait any longer? only by grace. i am so
excited. sigh... anyway, enough rambleing for me... i've
had too much coffee and i think that i should get to bed.
sweet dreams for me tonight! visions of heaven are dancing
in my head! yay!

rev. 21:4

goodnight my venting machine.

--jessica ryan




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