Steve

Memoirs of Steve
2004-01-21 09:35:39 (UTC)

Dreams recall my inner torment.

It pays to be a crook.. I've figured.

In everything.

Not quite sure how much people actually know about the
person I am, or what makes me do the things I do.. But I
do know for sure that I'm trodden on by all the morons and
idiots in this world.

I'm incapable of holding on to a girlfriend because she
will always be taken off me by someone. I have learned
never to be outgoing because I'm always beaten back down.
Constantly I'm trying to prove myself better than everyone
to replenish dwindling self-esteem.. For me life is a
constant struggle to prove myself worthy of anything. Why?

I have thought about this, and as far as I'm concerned it
is because I play by the rules. I'm a considerate person
who puts the needs of everyone before my own. For that,
I'm walked all over, abused, and worst of anything am
rewarded by nothing. If I was a total idiot, the girls
would be after me, I would steal things for plenty of
money, beat anyone up who takes advantage of me, and have
a circle of friends that would be challenged by no one.

Why does life treat me so, that when my mother died, my GF
abandoned me for some smooth talking idiot who only wanted
to shag her? The time I needed her most, the time I was
at the lowest point in my life, I was kicked while I was
down as some twat thought he'd be able to take advantage
of the situation for his own pleasure. And there we have
the root of it. My pain has always been others
pleasure. It's never the other way around. I never take
advantage of anyone to get something out of them. Is it
stupidity that I don't? or is is morality? I dunno. The
only consellation is pretending there will be a time of
judgement when the great 'Life and times of Steve' is
opened and I get what I deserve.

All I want is "Sh*t head" Steve's address, and Georges
address so I can go around there, brutally punish them,
and extinguish this pain and anger that has been raging
inside me for years now. I don't forget what they did to
me while I was at the pit of my life, I won't ever
forget. Beccy is keeping their details away from me,
George and Steve are the epitome of everything that is
wrong with this world, and it has to be my right to
balance things out a bit. Why should they feel all happy
and joyous and know they f*cked me over when I'm powerless
to do a single thing about it? - Welcome to my world, a
world of one-sidedness, a world where the good guys are
losers.

I had a dream, a flashback of all this. It hits me as
though it was happening again. I woke up in buckets of
sweat last night, even had to change my bed covers as a
result. If only Beccy knew what that did to me, and the
reason she can never answer that question: Why?

I guess I'll never know. Life is too cruel.




Ad: