alterego

hidden diary
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2004-01-21 07:31:12 (UTC)

This is no irntroduction

This new diary is just for hidden entries only
my original diray is " lou " or " yingyang "

anywho, i'll write a new intro later, well nevermind if
you want to know me then go to my original diary to find
out, lazybones! -- Lou
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2004-01-20 22:48:05
My Theory

i have come up with a possible theory....i just sat next
to the blank screen of the new entry page and thought in
the dark..... whats wrong with me......why do i feel like
this... I do indeed have other answers that seem just as
logical but this one fits me to a tee.
I never wanted to speak of it in the fear that she would
take it the wrong way. I know theres nothing we can do
about it....but....still its torture. I know she feels the
same so this thought is not only in my head.

ok here goes.....
-----------------------------
one of my solutions is that....i miss what we had.
I loved falling asleep with her in my arms, smelling her
body next to mine, having her body heat keep me warm ( or
was it mine keeping her warm?!) anyways...seriously
though... i miss it so much it hurts. knowing that at our
age...i'll never see it agian..... and if i do it will be
when we go to college.... and even then... will she have
found someone else or would long distance really work? I
dont mean to be rude or sound as though i'm not
trying....but her mother makes it far to hard to not be
nervous around her. I was a lil edgy to begin with, but
thought as i got to be with her mom more she would loosen
up ...but every time i see her i cringe in fear. She never
smiles when i'm around, she never says hi anymore, she
talks to someone else when i'm with dustie, like josh, and
she just gives off this vibe that makes my gut say...
" shes only saying that she likes me to her daughter so
they wont have a....a....i don't know a word....uh....
dispute?.." I am glad her mother has taken it this well...
i truly am greatful for her undestanding or...trying to
understand.
I know dustie tells me that her mom does like
me...but i just...don't see it....its was the same feeling
i got the moment i saw her sisters eyes. My mouth stopped,
my blood pressure rose, and my heart was beating harder
then ever before. Just something about peoples eyes let me
know what they really feel no matter what they say....i
hope you can understand......
====sorry i'm getting off subject...anyways...
Back to my solution....well theory really. I ....i
never wanted to say this but i will for the sake of my
sanity. I have craved more then we do now.....i want
her ...please don't miss understand what i just said ...i
do want her for passion and for her love.....just being
with her lights my world......anywho, i just want
more...and i know i wont get it..over all i know what is
to be and not to be, parents will run our lives till we
have to seperate ( meaning go to different colleges)..i
hate this theory for the fact that it makes me sound so
greedy, horny and pathetic....i have been up for many
nights in complete sorrow.... i didn't understand what was
wrong with me....was i bored of her.....NO, the moment her
flesh touched my skin i felt a shock go down my
spin.....no other touch does that to me, besides people
scaring me. I really hated that though and went to the
library to research why it felt like something was dieing
inside of me. I found a book about coming out which i
thought was for ...well....coming out , but since this
base is limited i looked at it. I found a page in that
book that made me cringe..... here are the words ...quote
for quote.... "Humans have a tendency to feel that they
are loosing excitement with their partner in a
relationship, they will go through doubting, questioning,
and seperation at worst. Humans just have a feeling that
sometimes looses its flavor as time goes by since they
have only been with one partner. Humans crave someone who
is unfamiliar to them."

With that one paragraph I spent the rest of the
day...in tears... even though i had drama practice... i
went home and sobbed... i didn't tell justin cuz i thought
it be best to lift his spirits rather then bringing us
both down. Whats wrong with me? I love her some much, but
can't have her. That gap........is killing me...... i WILL
not give up though, i will stay with her till the very end
( i pinky swear-- i never lie with those).... i will not
let some theory keep my spirits low, even though they
already are. I heard this somewhere once before ( From the
one i hold dear to my heart, yeah you), but they said
" I'm so glad you have patience with me, i'm so greatful!
i dont know why you've stayed with me so long and not
given up." its true, i wont give up....the only reason
i've been so on edgy lately is because.... i can't just
snuggle with her and fall sleep next to her like i did
once before.....its like taking the best toy you've ever
had and only letting you play with it once and taking it
back to the store.
When i held her in my arms tonight on the shuttle i
felt safe, secure, happy, content to every extreme, i
felt..... her love... and mine.... that proved to me that
i was not bored with her....... i am still in confusion
though. Is the only reason i've been upset is that....
everyone can be with her but me..... josh had her four a
whole week, her mom will have her forever and i.... i... i
get her when she has time after school. I cherish it....
but crave more..... i wish our age would .....aarrgghhhh i
don't know anymore.
As corny as this may sound, that theory was about
to engulf my mind...but that one moment of complete peace
from the outside distraction was....i don't think there
are words. DO i always sound like this when i write.... if
you don't believe me then look in my eyes the next time i
tell you i love you.... i will prove my point. You said
you trust what eyes tell you, correct?" I'm sorry if this
came out of no where and sounded as though i was tired of
you.....because i thought i was begining to think
that....since it was my only theory in mind. But i have
another theory...i just don't know how to fix it. Like i
said before, its not you its me.... i'm sorry that when i
asked you out and you agreed...that i had such a huge
package to go with it. I really do say one thing and do
another.... but tonight....was....proven fact that your
someone i could never get bored of.....something about you
makes my heart race, by blood flow faster, my mind work
overtime, and my love fill my body till i crave to hold
you for no matter how long it may last.
I'm going to go now..... and *sobbing again- i'm
such a pathetic cry baby*......but ....but if you don't
love me anymore for having doubtful thoughts then tell me
now........ i in the end .. DONT want to lose you and wont
stop dating you..."i love you!!!!!" , but if you think i'm
just leading you on or something then dump me.....cuz...
as sad as this may sound.....i do doubt just like every
other human in the world...and my reason may sound
selfish....but you are something that i can't bare to only
get to be with in your extra time.....

I blame no one but myself an dmy damned head for being so
curious and questionative.

All i can say is that ...." i love you Dustikins." and
loosing you would be no enjoyment to me. (can't say death
of me, cuz i don't think i would die for anyone if they
dumped me....LOL plus i'm far to "good" to go to waste
with all my mad skillz in art and sportz... WHAT WHAT!!!"
sorry i had to break the seriousness with a lil comic
relief.

Mucho love!
xooxoxoxooxoxoxoxox
-- Lou


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