Shadowfax

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2004-01-21 04:28:41 (UTC)

The Struggle

Ok well this one is about my past. this is not ment for
you to feel sorry for me or anything like that. it is to
inform you about who i am, and what i went though and some
of this i am still going though. this one might be a long
one. and it may get wordy. so i am sorry if it dose. you
may have to read it over once or twice.

where to start?

there is only one place to start and that would be with
the devorce of my parents. but to understand why i may
have trouble letting out feelings would have to start
before that.

it all started this one weekend that my dad was home ( my
dad is a truck driver so he is never home only about ever
2 weeks dose he come home). my mom and dad was fighting
over something i dont remember ( this was before they were
devorced i was about 11 or 12 i am guessing). so they are
fighting and yelling and screaming everything and i can
hear everything because i live below the liveingroom. and
that was were they were fighting. so i went up stairs and
found them arguing so i start to cry because it scared me.
and can still remember this one moment to the day. they
stoped fighting for the moment. to see why i was crying.
and i wont forget this. my father told me "to stop crying
that men dont cry that it is a baby thing to do." and then
he continues on to call me a "baby" because i was crying
my eyes out(i hated that moment. it hurt so bad, that is
when i decided that i cant cry anymore because my dad told
me i could not and that men dont cry). so from about then
on i did not cry anymore. he also told me to "suck it up
and take it like a man" (still thinking of that moment
makes me want to cry because it really hurt so bad).

so because of that situation i could not cry anymore. so i
would say this was the start of me haveing no emotion. and
haveing no emotion is not good. because you really dont
care for anyone. like i cared for people but it was more
of a caring of my self. i liked to do things for other
people. like get them gifts at christmas and for there
birthdays even though they really did not care a filp
about me.

i beleave another reason i had no emotion was because i
was not huged that much when i was i kid.(and i am still
not huged much now) but not haveing that love shown to me
through touch really developed the way i am now. i
absolutly love hugs. becasue they make me feel like i am
loved and i love to feel loved. i need to feel loved if i
am not then i will do stupid things. (like hurt my self.)

i used to hurt my self in many diffrent ways. i am ashamed
to say this but i used to punch my self in the stomach and
in the arms also in my legs. i would also slap my self in
the face. but i would only do that if i was at my house in
room. like there are many incedences to where i felt left
out and did not feel loved so i started to punch brick
walls. and it would cut my hand alittle bit. and in a way
i sorta liked the pain. because in my mind if people
thought i was hurt they would care for me and love me. all
of this happend because i was not loved too much when i
was a child. (and even now i still kinda like to punch
hard objects at times. when i am feeling down. i hate to
admit. i need to stop doing that.) i think i almost broke
my hand one time. because i hit a brick wall so hard. it
hurt for like 2 weeks if not longer. the brick walls were
not the smooth ones that are on the inside of the
buildings. they were the rough jagged ones that are used
for the outside part of a building.

there was a cupple of times i was so far deep in
depression that i wanted to commit suicide. (not something
i want to tell people but i beleave for people to know me
they must know my past feelings and such.) like i thought
about hanging my self.( i could have done that very easly
saying i have rope and i know how to tie various knots.)
but i always talked my self out of doing it. i have also
attemped at sliting my wrists. but i chickened out many
times. i actuly rubed the knife across my wrists but did
not put pressure. i beleave those were the only way i
thought about killing my self. some friends also convinced
me that it was not the way to go. so that was another
factor that make me not kill my self. after they convinced
me not to i did not.

i wrote a poem during this time. i revised it and it is on
the second entery of my diary. this is the first one i
wrote.

Lonely


I feel so lonely, so very very lonely
I feel like no one wants me.
I am lost
I am lost in the darkness.
Sin surrounds me.
I follow you light.
I try with all my might to get closer, closer to you.
When I start to get away, away form the darkness.
It grabs me. Takes hold of me.
And wont let me go.
But then you come; you come to save me,
The darkness tries to hold me tight so tight that nothing
can get in.
But then you, Jesus come and took me away from there. Far
far away
Suddenly I decide I did not want your help anymore so I
pull away.
Away form your grasp.
As soon as I start to wonder,
It happened again.
The darkness started to surround me little by little.
The more it got me the less I saw you
And now I am lost again.

Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to
god through him, because he always lives to intercede for
them (Hebrews 7:25)

By Frank Silva


i just wanted to show you what i wrote during this time. i
was talking to a friend about what my other poem was
saying and they told me "really it just speaks to me about
how entangling sin is, and when you get drawn away from
God. Like, sin just gets you and backs you into a corner
to where you are tricked into thinking no one loves
you...you get caught up in what Satan tells you, instead
of trusting the Truth that God's tell you every day,
because He says to us "You are worth something, you're my
child, and you're perfect the way I made you" and i agree.
the reason why i felt i had no emotion was because satin
was telling me that i did not have emotion and i was not
folowing God like i shoud have been. and it was satin
puting thought in to my head that made me think i was
worthless. i seirously thought i was worthless and that i
should not live. this was part of the reason why i thought
and sorta tried to kill my self.

i really hope that whoever is reading this understand more
about me. i really dont know if all of this is comeing
together or not. i hope it dose.

so haveing no emotion and being in a sorta depression for
about 3 years if not longer sucks. i would say those were
probably some of the worst years ever. but then again it
was not to bad because i drew closer to by current best
friend. and i love him to death. he is one of the only
people i can actuly talk to. well now whoever reads this
will know more about me.

so as of right now i am still trying to get out of that
hole. because i am still sorta there but i am not. i am
still getting right with God.

if anyone has any questions you can Im me or come up to me
and talk to me about this because i would love to talk
about it. because it makes it easyer to talk about it
every time i do talk about it. you can also email me. i
would prefer you talk to me about it. but what ever you
are confortable with doing do it. you can leave me a
message at the diary site. which i would like to because i
want to know who is reading this if any one.

love you guys with the love of christ! ::hugs whoever
reads this::


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