psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
Ad 2:
2004-01-21 04:02:13 (UTC)

a total dead-end, just like my ex-girlfriend.

i love rent.
i listened to it all afternoon while i cleaned and read and
did homework.

erin's moving here in october. my oldest friend in the
world. older than kendra even, and still in touch with
me. she's so different but still an amazing, sweet girl.
i wish i thought i'd be here when she lives here.

my new plan is to check out UWF and the town first.. then
see how the next month or so goes.

if im going, i plan to
apply for transfer in march.

unless of course the whore is
gone by then, i'll admit that would change things.

but i dont expect it.

we watched a documentary and excerpt from the trial of
andrea yates today. thats some amazing stuf. one by one
systematically drowned all 5 children, 10 months-7 years.

i think i will be a good mother.

i dreamed i saw alli die in a car accident. i was missing
her last night, thats probably why. she said she'll be
here this weekend and wants to do something.

trying to find myself still, figure something out, but im
not sure what. reading what other people have had to say
about me, what ive had to say about myself, i dont know. i
dont know what im looking for.


........................................................
thats angel's problem... she wants too much, and yet at the
same time not enough.

.......

in every part of you there is a place for me
everywhere you go thats where i want to be.

you waste your love on people not worthy
you waste your logic. on stupidity.
you chase after the promises of liers.
and you hold on to the past and forget the tomorrows.

you are the one i want to be with.
i see my future in your eyes.
and you make it easy to see through the lies.
of the ones who made me cry before.
the ones for which i died for.

and i will wait for you. i will wait for you to see.
i will wait for your maturity. i will wait for my tomorrow.
and i will miss you every today

......


pretty when you cry
im scared, for adrienne.

to commit suicide, a person hopes and believes that their
death will make a difference. that someone will miss them
once they are gone, that they will be hurting someone who
hurt them so much. or that they will be better, that the
pain will go away when they are dead.

someone to help... god i used to always believe that
it could be me, but i know that its not true, that i cant
do it, im not strong enough to watch the people i love go
there. so.. what the fuck can i do for her? because i
love her. that i dont doubt.

but im not the person she needs, im not the one that she
looks to for validation and there is no way i can get
through to him, to make him see, how much he needs to do to
keep my friend alive. what can i do? i guess just sticking
around in her life... there really is no help for any of
us.

matt please. i wish that you could see as i do how special
this girl is. and yes i see where so many problems could
come from the two of you being together. but this girl,
that i fell in love with, you made her fall in love with
you and now she needs you.

.........................................................


im so lost. and my mother now, every day, whats wrong
baby, whats wrong. and what do i tell her? she gets
frustrated because i have nothing to say, but what. im in
love with a girl who is over me? i have fucked up
everything good that i ever had?

"even smiling makes my face ache."

i just want her back. i just fucking want her back, i have
no more ways of expressing how i feel, im out of words and
out of plans and out of thoughts and out of ideas, i dont
know why, everyone has their bad things to say, but they
dont know, she made me feel loved, and in a different way
than anyone else ever has, ever...

ashley loves me, yes i know that, but she loves a lot of
people and shes as insane as me....

matt loves me if he's capable of loving anyone and i
believe that, but not as much as he loves himself and
not nearly enough, no it was never the same after i fucked
everyone he was close to, yes thats my fault, but i dont
even know what was real because he was always an asshole....

richard loved me but i always wrote that off as related to
me being the first girl he slept with in addition to his
mental capacity, what kind of idiot spent years
professing this intense love for someone who treated him
like shit, and i did, im just a fucking bitch, thats all
it amounts to, and what makes me believe that im any
different now.

but she was different, i felt like she knew me well enough
and i tried hard enough that what she felt was meaningful,
not that no one else was meaningful, i loved them all, the
very few of them there were, but in a different way

ashley is my best friend in the world because she
understands me, she gets me, shes like me, we are more the
same than any two people this crazy should be..

i loved the way richard loved me, but did i love him?
yes, because he made me feel good about myself, because i
knew he was a good guy, but i was never in love with him.

and matt, matt. matt was never a normal thing, never
healthy, always this sick, twisted, fucked up game we could
neither one give up or lose. and today, i feel nothing for
him beyond comfortable familiarity on days when im so
lonely i could die and i have nothing else.

and when i look at him, all that i can see is everything
he's taken from me, and his hateful words years ago echo in
my head "i made you special and then i took it all away,
yourself is all thats left."

yes, and i fucking hate him more than i could ever love him
again.

i loved her and that scared me so much, was it a bad time,
or what, what can i blame it on besides myself, but i did
fucking try. i knew i was crazy, i knew i was a bitch, and
i tried to not be, claudia knows that, she helped me so
much back then, but it wasnt enough, why couldnt it have
just been enough?

i never told her how i felt, how hopeless and scared and
jealous and how much i needed her and missed her when she
wasnt there and how much i wanted him to just disappear
because i knew i would make the wrong mistake, i didnt
fucking tell her, i just wrote it all down and kept it
inside and told everyone else in my life, but not her. and
she loved me.

but not enough to fight for me, she just let me go so
easily, and now im left to miss her and have these thoughts
and dreams and feelings every fucking second of every
fucking day and try to ignore the absolutely blatant fact
that shes over me and has been.

why is it that every pain i ever feel returns so much more
easily than it leaves.

im so fucking done for tonight. its so fucking hard i wish
there was someone who could understand and just do
something anything to change everything, im so desperate
and i dont know how long i can go, or even want to, because
im getting worse the more time passes, and fucking,
sometimes i think, im okay, i can do this, i can
concentrate on going to school and get my degree and
somehow along the way, myself will fall into place, but
sometimes i just sit and pray for the courage to cut deeper
in the right place and not have to spend another fucking
day in my mind like this.


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