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2004-01-20 10:59:08 (UTC)

As if

I need a break from women altogether. I had decided
earlier that as hard as it may be for me I needed to stop
talking to my ex. We had dated for two years, and when we
started she had infant that grew to know me as her dad. I
was so honored by that. Then a string of issues all flew
up at my ex all at once - her dad died, a lot of her
friends were moving away and she didn't get to graduate
when she wanted because a single teacher saw fit to fuck
her over. She wanted to just get away from Middleton at
the time. But this really seemed to serve as a catalyst
that brought all her lifes travesties to the forefront of
her mind - sexual abuse, abandonment on several levels
from family members, and on every level from the
biological father of her daughter, physical abuse - every
bad thing that ever happened to her was on her mind so
much that the present was almost like it got squished
out. She got really depressed and eventually violant
toward me. I tried as hard as I could to stick it out. I
helped her move to the city and helped look after her
daughter while she got her grade 12 finished. The
depression really triggered my own vulnerability to
getting depressed. The violence threw me to the edges of
feeling outright suicidal. But underneath all those
attacks on me, underneath all that depression, behind the
hurricane of negative emotions and genuine self-loathing
was a girl that was amazing and worth waiting for to come
out of this - though the battle often made me lose myself
at times, I just knew by instinct to stay. I knew I loved
her. But no sooner than she graduated she decided she
wanted to move back to her hometown with her daughter to
her mothers, and go to the local community college - which
was great. But instead of tackling herself to deal with
the feelings she had, she did a very natural thing. She
started seeing me as a reminder of all those negative
feelings. I understand that. I know that it is wrong,
but I understand it. I became associated with her
depression in her mind, and she built up a wall against me
instead of dealing with her feelings directly. I'm sure a
lot of us have done that at least once in our life.

Despite that I tried to make it abundantly clear that I
still loved her and Ceolia. that I still wanted to be a
family, and for a while it seemed that it had a chance to

But as understanding and loving as I can be there are some
things I just can't deny to myself - if for no other
reason than for myself, if it's actual truth should
someday come into question.

Do you alienate people you really love? Do you break
nearly every promise made to someone you really love? Do
you really sleep with other people than the one you love
if the one you love is right there wanting you? Do you
keep the one you love on the back burner while you meet
more possible candidates online and make blind dates? Do
you make tactics on just how and when you tell the one you
love about a fuck-buddy based on when something involving
sex in some way happens to them? Do you wait months to
tell the one you love of this while waiting for such an
opportunity? Do you totally ignore the concept of what it
must be like for them? Do you think it is stupid to
continue feeling loved by someone if all of the above is
the reality you know?

Maybe somewhere buried deep below the earth mantel, pretty
near to the core where it is about to get liquified into
the magma, maybe buried just so deep inside the person
does love me - but it is a love that is being killed out
daily at best from what I can tell. I don't want to hear
about how upset she is over some other guy - and she
obviously doesn't care about how I feel to even consider
telling me so. She doesn't care about me if she is upset
about how she and another feels instead either.

The only person that could be as upset as I am on this is
Ceolia. Where honest simple love is just there - no
questions, no drama - it just is. And I'm affraid that it
will be the next frontier my ex tries to squish out of
existence. She could easily try to turn her against me.
She already took every possible action I've ever erred on
to make many of her friends hate me. But, girls like
being right, and sometimes that means getting all the ammo
you can and putting your own spin on it so that one feels
better about themself. In the heated moments that were
thrown at me repeatedly, there were a few where I couldn't
take it anymore and snapped back. I've yelled. I've been
brought to push her away. These are things I don't like
to think of myself doing, but in the end I opted to take
my own life before inflicting how I felt about those rages
on someone else - and that is a terrible thing to.

I've got major flaws just like everyone else. Major ones.

But what bothers me is that I am the only one between us
that even wanted to try in the end. I stood alone knowing
clearing who I loved. I stand alone now to show for my
devotion to that eeling. I'm tired of knowing who I love
let's other peopke use her by her own definition of what
it is, though she says she is using them too. That just
means that I mean less to her than those she uses. How
non-existent am I expected to be to her and still bear
it. As long as I talk to her under these circumstances,
each conversation is just an affirmation of how
inconsequential I'm truely considered to be than I was
last time we talked. It is very clear social language,
isn't it. But I'm told I'm important on the verbal
language side of things. And I'm told that I am the one
carrying two stories just earlier yesterday evening...

I'm tired of having to defend myself for caring, and
getting attacked over nothing by the only person I think
of on EVERY night, while I'm forgetten in other beds.

I'm only in for it for all or nothing now. If there was a
purpose I thought this insult to my soul being further
endured could serve, I no longer see it. Hope has been
ripped away from me. Anyhting I do short of things
working out from 2 people trying for a relationship (for a
change) - anything short of that happening between me and
her is nothing more than my own self-inflicted torture.
Me watching, talking, hoping to see a sign of change that
now seems will simply never happen. No apology can ever
make up for just how much has been taken away. It's not
like a normal relationship with just two people involved.

I want it because I think she's worth it as a soul - not
because she has demonstrated any kind of paradise to
return to, that's for sure.

oh well

life falls apart
so I pick up the pieces and try again