sad and sadistic

my diary....oh joy
2004-01-19 21:22:26 (UTC)

hollow life

I have so many painkillers I could open up my own pharmacy.
I was just lying in bed a minute ago and i took out my
bottle of ibuprofen that was given to me last year, and
there was about 12 left in the bottle, and I took them out
and started playing around with them, they're pink and look
like smarties. I have other painkillers too, ibuprofen
isn't a strong painkiller, you can buy it in shops, not
just from a prescription, I've got co-codamol, coedine
phosphate, and diclofenac for extreme pain. I've thought
about taking them all before...just to see what it feels
like, to see if it would even work. But I don't think I
have the courage, and an overdose isn't what I'd want to
do. I'd run a steaming hot bath, turn the bathroom lights
off, and get in the bath and slit my wrists, and maybe
other pulse points to speed it up, but I think I'd like it
slow, to really feel myself slipping away. It'd be my last
moments, I'd want it to count.
And so I was looking at the ibuprofen and then I decided to
take all of them, and so I swallowed them one by one, and
although I was thinking to myself, 'what are you doing' my
hand still put them in my mouth, and I still swallowed the
water to get them down. It's dumb because I know nothing
can happen. My prescription is to take 3 of them, 3 times a
day, I just took 4 times the allowance and they're not very
strong. I may as well have taken 12 paracetamol. I don't
know why I did it, maybe just to see what it's like, I
don't know. Can you get a high off ibuprofen? Or is that
coedine? I don't remember. On Saturday I smoked 2
cigarettes, the first I've had in about 7 months. And it
felt so good, I just felt all relaxed. And it was just from
one cigarette, I was just sitting there so happy because I
felt so calm and relaxed, and it felt great to not be
panicking about something. Last night I woke up at about
2:30, and I was just lying there, so scared about today,
and panicking, I just started to cry because I didn't want
tomorrow to come, I thought I was going to have a panic
attack. What's wrong with me? I'm scared of the morning.
About a year ago I read Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel,
and it's just a memoir of her life, and she was depressed,
and attempted suicide. I think she's about 26 or so now.
And I think it was one of the chapters and it was called 'I
woke up in the morning afraid I was going to live' and when
I first read it I couldn't really identify with her when
she said that, but the past couple of weeks I can. I dread
the morning. I just wish I could fall asleep and thats it.
I love sleep. I think I can count 4 things that I get up in
the morning for: Daniel, music, my family, and about 3 of
my friends (I know that may count as 3 but just group it as
1) And I think to myself, shouldn't there be more? Life is
so short and death is everlasting. Basically we live to
die. This life really is hollow, at least to me it feels
like it. At the moment Daniel means the most to me, and
it's strange because I've never felt that way about anyone.
And in a way I hate him for it because when I'm not with
him it hurts, and I'm always worrying if he's going to
prefer someone else, and I watch what I do and say incase
he remembers and that another person wouldn't do that.
Maybe I'm just a waste of his time. I mean if he truly does
love me, like he says he does, it's like there's no point
if I'm just thinking that he's going to prefer someone
else. Sometimes I feel like theres something missing inside
of me, like there's just cotton wool inside where there
should be something...I don't know.




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