ESPO2kx

ESPO'S LIFE
2004-01-19 11:14:18 (UTC)

January 19, 2004 A Fogged Mind

Well its been a while since i have written any thing down.
I was waiting to see how a few things turned out and go
from there. Well last week was a bad one work was
unbearable i am beginning to hate my part of my work and
few people in my office as well. Its like everyone there
is in a state where they just dont give a shit and have
gotten so disrespectful and ignorant not to say any names
but the ones know who they are. All i know i gotta get the
hell out of there some time soon or im gonna have to move
on some where else. Ive thought about the coast guard alot
and i think it will be a good stepping stone for me in life
but im unsure about the whole aspect of it and leaving home
agian i got back only a couple of months ago and i dont
know if i can pack things up again.

Well after a long week came a much anticipated weekend down
at Valpo. I went down to go see monica and to spend some
time with her. This weekend answered alot in my head but
left me more unsure and confused about myself more than
ever. My mind has been in a fogged state since last
night. The weekend was wonderful to start off i got to see
her and to spend time with her also. It felt so good to
see her since out last date where i could actually spend
some quality time with her. The night started in a relaxed
pace we caught a movie with all of her teammates and went
to a few bars after wards it was quiet night but relaxing
none the less. I was excited alot just to see her, i felt
bad that night cause i was squerming so much in bed that
night and kept us both up most of the night but we
eventually fell asleep. But through out the night the
kisses we had together had something behind it and i
started to feel happy and content the way things were
forming up. Saturday was a different story how ever, the
day started out good. Monica took me out to breakfast
which was nice we got to talk for a bit more and just have
a nice meal together. Later on we crashed out for a bit i
think we were up so much we just passed out for a bit. She
surprized when she woke me up with a kiss. I then got to
meet here parents. Oh my god was i nervious about meeting
them but they are great people after i got to meet them lot
to talk about with them. We then saw Valpo stomp Western in
a bball game fun to watch i havent seen one in a while.
After that the part began we started drinking for a bit and
here is where things started to change. It was a fun start
to the night we went to the baseball house and hung out for
a while then we went to a frat for a blacklight dance party
which was fun as hell it remined me of a rave, good times.
But here is where alot changed I read monicas face from
across the floor it was like something was on her mind and
i knew it was about me and her, The whole vibe changed at
that point me i started to think i did something wrong in
some way. Earlier in the day i asked her about what we
were becomming and what was going on i felt i made a huge
mistake doing so. I think i pushed the issue to much and
scared her off even though she told me it isnt i feel i
rushed things to much in my mind still. But back to the
dance party at that moment it felt like my soul got sucked
out of my body i felt dead at that moment that i have
screwed things up again for me. We began to talk at that
point and there was this unsure feeling after we talked and
i felt as low as possible at this point i didnt even want
to be there cause i felt i just was wrong in every sense
and messed thing up. But she told me she is unsure about
what is going to happen in 4 months and what lies ahead. I
can relate to her alot in this aspect due to alot of new
changes lying ahead for her. Graduation, ending softball,
in most words the real world is comming and she seems
unsure about alot to me. I understand this totally, yet
there is alot i dont even know at all. I
feel i set my self up to begin to open up and start to be a
bit attached but i feel now i pushed her away and took a
major step back. However i feel that its not totally a bad
thing, certain points seemed a but rushed with us and this
might work its self out in time. But thats the hard part
is the waiting to see what Monica thinks. I actually lost
a ton of sleep last night also, i sat there next to her
thinking about everything and watched her sleep as well. I
was even afrade to touch her at one point becuas thats how
unsure i felt at that point yet she said whe was drinking
and tired so i under stood. I just prayed for a better
morning it came things were different but there was still
that empty spot there and i guess its just going to take
some time to see if it gets filled.

It odd for me at this point i cant get this weekend out of
my head and the emptyness that has come over me i feel
fusterated yet upset at the same time. Its like i just
cant do anything right. I feel i drown her out in some
points by talking to much and there is so much more i want
to learn about her at the same time i would love for her to
tell me i just dont know how to get into that path where
that can happen. I mean i still really like Monica and
would love for things to continue between us and for things
to evolve with us as well. I just think she is a great
girl and has this simplistic quality about here that gets
to me to the point where all i do is look at here and
smile. hell that was all i had on my mind the whole ride
home today was the events of the weekend and i must of
repalayed it over 1000 times in my head while driving and
what i could of done different but i think its a good thing
that it came out and that we could talk. I just gotta be
patient with the whole thing and accept what ever happens i
feel its the safest way and the best way not to set my self
up to get hurt in the process or the both of us as a matter
of fact. I just have a postive notion that things might
work out atleast i hope they do.

Well its 5:11 AM and i feel i am starting to ramble. My
mood is a racing mind and confused at well. But i just
gotta let things get sortted out the next week or so.
Untill then i think i just need some sleep and need to let
myself calm for a while as things get sortted out.




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