Broken hearted Lesbian

my life, my hell
2004-01-19 05:02:13 (UTC)

i've been driving for an hour, just talkin to the rain

remaining faithful has to be one of the hardest tasks i
have ever set for myself. my grrl is 180 miles away with a
broken leg, so even when i do see her, its not like
anything is going to happen. which is fine, its not the
sex i am after. but jesus....i was given an offer that any
lesbian in their right mind would take. but i refused.
(baby, our song is on)
the other night i was out with some friends...i was
offered some great sex...buti couldnt do it. thats never
happened to me. i usually never have a problem jumping
into bed with someone, single or not. but i couldnt do it.
i just kept picturing sonyas face when i told her about
sarah and i. and i read her diary over and over every
day..and the more i read it, the more i fall for her. i
dont know what the hell is going on with me. i get so
scared when she talks about a future...but im not
preventing it. ya know.i dont want to lose her, but i have
never been one for relationships.
then last night, an ex came over to see me. i havent seen
her in a very long time. so it was nice. but some of those
old feelings seemed to surface. nothing to even compare
with sonya, but they are there...
*rubs eyes*
i dont fucking know. my mind and heart are finally
agreeing on someone but my body is telling me this is a
mistake. i mean, i no longer am aloud to be with anyone i
desire. i am once again confined to one person. this is
about when i get scared and cheat. but i AM NOT going to
do it this time. as tempting as it may be, i refuse to
hurt her like i have so many others....

i saw her today. that made me very happy. it was nice to
kiss her, touch her, gaze into those beautiful eyes..

something is missing..not sure what it is..

sonya--dont let this make you insecure in the
relationship. please. i love u. and i want to love u
forever
~j




Ad: