listen to my silences
2004-01-18 01:16:14 (UTC)

and things left undone...

again, these are all things that i've found laying about my
room. these are all about brandon. they don't really
matter anymore since we're both done. i give up. game
over. you win. but i need to put these somewhere, and
this is as good a place to file things as any. so bear
with me while i reminisce...i'm okay. i promise. i'm not
crying, my eyes are leaking...but i'm done. these words
now are meaningless. no worries.

you go out of your way
just to say hello
when you walk by you wink
or drop off a note
when you find a little time
you text message my phone
you do all these little things
just to show your love
make me laugh
make me smile
nothing big
worth the while

please want to try, please want to try, please want to try
once more.
don't give up on me and walk away and close the door.
just one more chance is all i need to prove that i still
don't turn around and then tell me that you're still there.

no excuses please, just love me
no strings attached please, just trust me
no secrets please, just tell me
no excuses please, just love me

k, that's all of them. finally. i found all the stuff
that he'd written me and things that i had for him and put
it all in a box. it was a good feeling. i'm going to be
okay. i have to keep telling myself that or it will never
happen. so far, i'm getting better. time heals all
wounds. and i finally stopped being passive. he pissed me
off the other night and so much came out. i was so mad. i
told him i wouldn't call him first. and i didn't. i told
him to call me when he was ready to talk. he called the
other night. not really to talk. but to say hey i'm not
going to be another him. we talked a little bit. and i
told him to give me a call. i will not call him first. if
he wants me to start believing him then he needs to prove
that. i'm not sitting by the phone either. everyone else
has deserted me, why shouldn't he too is kind of my mind
set. i know that statement i just made isn't fair. but
it's how i feel. so fair or not, it's honest. if i
didn't say it, it'd still be there. may as well be out in
the open, right? maybe he'll call. it doesn't matter.
it's time to move on. *sigh* i say that, yet everytime i
look forward i get yanked into the past. and those
memories i've tried to force myself to forget shove
themselves in front of my eyes and then i'm left standing
here with this blank look on my face because i realize why
i can't try why i can't cry why i can't care and why i
teach me.

final thought: pretty whitewashed lies, endless alibis...

final thought: they whisper softly in your head, words you
wish you could forget...

final thought: there's no future living in the past.