becka

My Character Analysis
2004-01-18 01:00:56 (UTC)

Thinking is Never Good...

I was watching Mad TV on Comedy Central and all of a
sudden I had a random feeling, nothing I could explain. It
was built off of relief and happiness and the actual
feeling of pain. This got me thinking that maybe everyone
has feelings that can't be explained and they name it a
feeling like it but not exactly. For example, when I cut
myself I'm not hurting or feeling good, but somewhere in
the middle; I name it pain but maybe it's not.
Then I started feeling other things, mixed emotions.
Hatred for not figuring this out earlier, ashamed for
cutting myself, happiness for knowing there are other
things I feel, sadness for knowing other people don't know
or even care. Maybe they know but they just go on labeling
those unexplained feelings. Cutting equals ashamed and
hurt. But what if it feels sort of good?

And then I got on IM, and I came to a new conclusion:
everyone gets off when I try to talk to them about serious
things. I know most people can't handle my mixed emotions,
but even those people that I know can leave me. Am I that
depressed that I push the closest people away from me? Of
course it hurts but what can I do? There's nothing I can
do. "Everyone goes away in the end."




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