Rainey

Mien Kompf
2004-01-17 20:58:05 (UTC)

Fallen-5

Ya know, sometimes a person can only stand on one's two
feet for so long, then you fall, or crash and burn.
Whatever you decide it to be.
I wonder sometimes, how strong can some one really be? I
think of it like this, the strength of a person is like a
car. Parts on a car go out, and need to be replaced, almost
like a person and their strength.
But what happens if you can go on anymore? What happens if
it takes all the strength you have just to get out of bed?
What if it takes all might in your body, all the will power
you have so you wont fall apart? Ya, know keep it together?
On car, when that happens, you junk it...get a new one.
But humans are not like that. You cant junk some one. You
cant junk your self, unless you intend to kill the pain
with razor blade, but thats a different story eniterly.
I dont think that I have fathomed falling, or dying inside
or how strength can be related to a car unless I was in a
situation where I fetl like that. *sighs* I guess thats the
irony of life, or maybe its just the way things happen. At
least for me.
I can feel like I am dying inside and still go on, and I
can feel like Im gonna fall, and I can still go on. Its oly
when I feel like Im going to snap in half that I kinda get
to feeling fucked up. Thats when I start to bitch and moan
and say how I have "tried so hard". Ya, right Rainey.
Jeezus. Alot of people go through alot of shit. Yet, they
still go on. They dont fall and break. They dont shatter
into a million pieces.
I do, I break, I shatter the whole nine yards. I think
maybe its cuz my heart is to fragile, and Im not strong
enough. I really think so. I watch my mother, and she has
been throgh so much shit. Yet, she still stands tall. Maybe
a little beaten down; none the less she still there. She
has so much strength in her. I WISH I had that. Then life
wouldnt be hard for me like it is.
Me and my emotions. I am so fucking sensitive, I get
upsetted easily. All the negative aspects of my self I am
attempting to change. So I can be a better person, so I
wont always fall and break and shatter into a million
pieces.
Today I have fallen. All the things that I have been
putting into place, being strong carring my self, picking
me up after I fall....I am down, I am down on the ground.
I pulled my self up and outta bed, and tried my best to
pick me up, talk to my mom and dad like I am normal, LIKE
ADULT. (By that I mean: not get fucked up with my emotions
and melt into a puddle of tears on the ground, and that
makes comunication hard.)
I was ok, and maybe I still am. I feel really shitty right
now. Certain things in my life are a bit disturbing to me,
thus I feel shitty. I really want to die. I really want to
slit my throat, end all of this madness which is life.
Thats how I feel right now.
*sighs* But I guess I have to pick my self up again, and I
hope that I can be stong about it like my mom is..
Make love not war.
LAST NIGHT SUCKED ASS!




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